3 Mistakes That Keep You Stuck In Co-Dependency
“I would give my right arm to learn how to heal this,”
my ex-gf told me one day several years ago as she was lamenting on her ongoing battle with Co-Dependency throughout her entire life.
On the heels of another volatile argument — at the effect of her jealousy and abandonment wounds that were triggered during the live events we ran, I sat there puzzled looking at her wondering what the hell was going on. I admit, I had no clue.
She shared she had been part of 12-Step “CODA” meetings and hated the fact that she was among those who in her words, were so pathetically powerless that she was ashamed to be able to relate to their stories.
It wasn’t until the relationship came to a crashing halt that I had to look inside and unpack it all.
My own shame.
My own humiliation.
Fast forward to today. A New Year.
My mind is completely blown at the fact that I look back in the last year, and since going through my own healing process…
Hours of Breathwork, Shadow Work, studying Poly Vagal Theory, Attachment Theory, Somatic Experiencing etc….
It seems that not only did I reach my goal of understanding the mechanism behind my Narcissistic/Codependent drama cycle that I was in that was unbeknownst to me…
I finally BROKE that cycle and enjoy for the first time in my life what a secure relationship feels like (and yes we get into conflict and arguments too and are both far from perfect!!)
But I look back now and it seems so weird that the many students and clients we are helping… when I look at what they reached out for help with… I’m kinda floored that they’re mostly presenting with the same problem.
You guessed it…
Healing either DIRECTLY from, or indirectly from the effects of Co-Dependency.
And after trying years of therapies and counselling, tons of personal development work…
They feel more freedom than from anything they have ever done before.
Vanessa, who one year ago joined us — admitting to being a rescuer, was able to FINALLY (after 3 failed attempts) to leave her Co-Dependent toxic marriage and found her person within 3 months and is now nicely settled into a beautiful partnership…
Laura, mother of 6 (yes, you heard that right.. 6) finally after joining our community had the courage to separate from her Co-Dependent marriage, moved out, and out of pure magic, her husband started showing up to Breathwork, The Overview Experience, and has now been working with me privately for the last few months to heal himself — both were on our last training of the year sitting next to one another laughing out loud and being playful during the group training… together experiencing more intimacy than ever…. no longer miserably anxious as they navigate the healing of their relationships with THEMSELVES as a priority to ensure what’s best for EVERYONE takes place… (Just imagine the savings they would experience if or when family lawyers get involved).
Vicki (name changed) who was hopelessly co-dependent, unsure of who she was, grieving the loss of her mother who passed 2 years ago, struggling to find her purpose, is now finding her strength, and has now been able to FINALLY see the 10 year marriage for what it has been all along and is in the process of separating and has found her true purpose — enrolled in our facilitator program to help others with their grief, all the while reclaiming her authentic voice she lost while in the relationship.
Lesley, who was under the spell of a Malignant Narcissist she couldn’t escape from because she kept going back and couldn’t figure out why (she felt like she was under a spell), knowing he was cheating the entire time — has FINALLY broken free after 6 years and has gone no-contact — is now back in the land of the living after healing her nervous system from the deep freeze she was in…
Jen, who finally changed a step in the dance of relational dynamics she discovered were all about ignoring all the mistreatment from her mother she endured as a child to stay connected with her — and once she put 2 and 2 together, was able to say goodbye to an inauthentically toxic trauma bond riddled with infidelity where she was the rescuer feeling exploited.
Sitting during new Years in my robe with Diana recapping the journey I said to her:
“What the actual is
How the hell did I end up here?
As a retired Chiropractor?
All I know is, I’m damn proud of the road I’ve travelled to get here in my personal life — and I really feel inspired to share the magic with ANYONE willing to do the work to liberate themselves.
I did an FB live / Clubhouse to share the 3 FATAL MISTAKES that keep you stuck in Co-Dependency, living as a slave to someone else’s rules, emotions, and approval.
All of those people mentioned above, and everyone else learning how to heal from this HAD TO CORRECT those fatal errors.
I used the term “fatal” here on purpose — not to be an alarmist — but because many who don’t heal from Co-Dependency end up getting sick and dying too early from chronic illnesses because Co-Dependency causes people to lose touch with their own needs. It’s like they’ve abandoned themselves SO MUCH that they would rather DIE than to actually become free from the slavery of their affliction. In the case studies mentioned above, Vicki is convinced that her mother died to get out of the marriage to her father.
I’m sure you know someone who likely did the same.
(It’s way more common than you think).
Visiting her mother on the anniversary of her death this year, Vicki committed to her mother that she refused to leave the relationship by going into the grave. She committed to breaking the cycle — and learning how to help others do the same.
The experts and academics say that it’s impossible to overcome Codependency.
That’s true — given their methods of Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. It’s true you can’t heal — — but only when you’re living under the context of these 3 mistakes.
In this transmission I covered what they are if you wish to make 2022 your year to heal from Co-Dependency.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes if you’re willing to learn how.
I do want to welcome you to the community if you’re new.
Some pics and video of how our family ushered in the New Year.
