6 Signs You’re Still Stuck In A Trauma Bond

“I know this is toxic. I just can’t get out.”

It sucks- because in relationships like this — deep down you KNOW it’s not good for you, but there’s something that keeps pulling you back in.

Whether it’s sex, or something much deeper that you can’t put your finger on, without getting to the root cause, you may catch yourself trying “will power” and make empty promises, only to find yourself in the same shame spiral wondering what the hell is happening.

It’s the phenomenon that happens when you’re a WIZARD giving your friend relationship advice and see the red flags a mile away…
Yet in your OWN life… You turn into silly puddy.

It often feels embarrassing. Like “how can I be so powerful at work — but a complete anxious DOORMAT in relationships?”

And you’re in good company too. Just listen to Maroon 5’s song “One More Night” and if the song actually triggers you like it did for me — then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Also listen to any of Eminem’s songs — namely “Love the way you lie” performed with Rihanna, or “River Run,” performed with Ed Sheeran.

I invite you to listen to all 3 songs while reading the lyrics.

I had no clue of the “why” behind the how my relationships had been operating before I unpacked all of this.

I just thought I was being “passionate.”

But understanding the mechanisms of Trauma Bonds was THE VERY THING that helped me dissolve all the shame I had towards myself, and begin the process of healing it. I was able to then co-create a relationship with Diana that WASN’T a trauma bond (and let me tell you that in itself felt unusual at first).

There are many signs that let us know we are in a Trauma Bonded relationship. The “approach-avoidance” twisted dance of shadows can be lots of fun…

And it can also be lethal.
Many get caught up and lose themselves, quite literally.
Most Chronic Illnesses involve these attachment Traumas as their root cause as well.

That’s why it’s important to me that that this community gets wise to step up and become self-aware and learn the tools to dismantle them, because quite frankly our sense of self-worth, family harmony, and health in general depends on it, and if we don’t learn the skills — all the unconscious dynamics will get passed down to our children if we don’t.

Other than the classic Co-Dependent patterns you’re already aware of, (like the “pleaser” pattern) — here’s a few of the most common signs we’ve seen from the applicants to our offerings over the past month. See if you can recognize yourself in them:

Common signs:

• you’re holding onto hope this person will come back/ leave their partner for you. “He promised me he’s leaving his wife”
• You fall for the love bombing/intermittent re-enforcement — you BELIEVE IT. When that magic feeling goes away, you hold on to hope it will some day come back. Just as you’re about to leave — BOOM there’s the love bombing (or Sexy Vixen routine if it’s a female) again — pulling you right back in.
• Making excuses for the person “He had a really rough childhood…” or in my case “she won’t let me leave the house because she loves me”
• You feel energetically / spiritually tied to them (they can easily pull your strings and you are out of control) — they call/text when you think of them. “It’s like we are soul mates/Twin flames!”
• You can’t stop thinking of this person who’s been extremely abusive to you or cheating on you. “I know you stole all my money and conned me and cheated and lied — but I just can’t quit you”
• You’re subscribed to that persons reality. You believe their reality over your own. “I don’t trust myself. I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is real? Maybe it’s my fault?”

These have been the most common that have shown up lately in the people in this community who’ve been reaching out for help.

People stuck in a painful limbo want to know if it’s possible to fix the relationship, and some just have zero desire to fix it — they’re done — but they just can’t get themselves out of the “spell.”

Some experts say this is an impossible cycle to break, because it’s like an addiction. In my experience in healing it — it’s actually WORSE than an addiction. It’s an IDENTITY we have formed and most are completely blind to the fact that we are slaves to it.

They just think they’re a hot mess and part of them actually gets off on it.

Can this be solved?

Personally — it wasn’t easy — but my only way out of that twisted dance was to commit to breaking a cycle that didn’t start with me.

It involved becoming a Nerd for Attachment Theory, PolyVagal Theory, understanding my Trauma Responses (“Poke” and “Run”), and learning how to become the Active Operator of my own Nervous System, and change that familiar dance, one trigger at a time.
Most Counsellors and Psychologists don’t even get the formal training to do this.

That’s why it never feels like anything works.
There was no such stand-alone Therapy out there that could solve it for me. Anger management felt like a complete waste of time.

I took 6 months off working on others and put the pieces together myself and found that there were 5 PILLARS required for me to Dismantle the Trauma Bond.

Once I had these 5 pillars down (and it does take practice, commitment, and dedication) I wasn’t only able to attract a secure and drama-free partner…

We are even able to use conflicts to create a deeper bond with one another. I could finally trust myself to commit again. Something I thought I could never do.

This just felt “easy” to go all-in with — because I have the tools.

I really could go on and on about how my life has changed because of it…

The Path to being a Cyclebreaker has been the greatest discovery of my life.

If you’re new here in our community, welcome.
If you’ve been lurking for a while and feeling a bit nervous, wondering if this is all smoke and mirrors — now is your time to check in and see if you’re ready to actually show up and participate… You’re reading this for a reason.

Given that Valentine’s day is coming up… I thought it would be fitting that on Tuesday the 15th I offer a 90 minute free workshop Called “The Path To Being A CycleBreaker” so that if you resonate with any of what you’re reading — You can learn exactly what these 5 pillars are so that you can have the exact same Roadmap we use in Our Cyclebreakers Portal Community Training and either begin or continue your path to creating secure relationships.

You’ll get the exact steps to take moving forward. The same we take all of our clients and students through that get results that traditional mindset work and therapy hasn’t been able to touch.

On Tuesday you find out why that is, and carve out a clear a path moving forward for yourself.

You get to choose what to do next.

Workshop time is in the link below.
Make sure you smash the calendar button so it’s on your calendar.

Replay will be up for 24 hours and then taken down.

If you’re ready to experience life with relationships that feel safe, mature, and mutual, you MUST learn how to heal your Trauma Bonds.

Everything else felt incomplete for me.

It wasn’t my fault, but it is was responsibility to resolve.
We all deserve to have love that’s mutual, even though you might not feel that way deep down inside yet.
Come and learn how to make it all possible.

Click HERE to register.