Am I Being Unreasonable? Or Do I just Keep Finding Insensitive Jerk?
I received backstory in my DM’s from someone who has broken up with her avoidant partner, wondering if she’s being unreasonable with her demands.
She admits to being anxiously attached in relationships.
She tends to find herself in the same situation, again and again.
Frustrated in this familiar dance.
Breakups happen, and we are terrified of the “b” word.
The last thing we want is to be seen as the “bad guy” in a breakup.
We ask our friends, and seek validation for our feelings and choices.
If you can relate to this, you’re not alone.
I wanted to help shed some light so that if you find yourself in this predicament, you’ll know EXACTLY what to do to gain clarity.
I found myself in this situation in my relationships. My issue was the opposite.
The exact same arguments with different people.
I was the avoidant attached pattern, usually paired up with anxiously attached pattern.
In other words, I was like all of this woman’s ex-boyfriends.
Here were the patterns I had with each partner:
Each one had their “abandonment” issues they would project onto me. Extremely volatile when I wanted space.
Each one felt I wasn’t talking about the relationship problems enough, giving enough safety and security. It felt like they were constantly wanting to “know where this was going” and if this was going to last.
After my last breakup — in which we were in “limbo” for 4 years, “Should I stay or Go?” I decided to put down the magnifying glass and pick up a mirror instead.
True, they have abandonment issues (don’t we all?)
True, they are responsible for theirs.
The fact remains, if I don’t address my own insignificance, trauma, abandonment, and betrayal — all the things that have me not feeling safe to let love in — then I will forever be arguing over “content.”
If you’ve ever caught yourself asking:
Is it too much to ask to have them text me back?
Don’t I deserve someone who can respect me the way I respect them?
Shouldn’t they consider me when making plans?
The answer to these questions SPECIFICALLY won’t help you. That’s content.
Wiser to be looking deeper — for the CONTEXT.
Those “content questions” won’t help you.
But figuring out why you’ve found yourself in YET ANOTHER situation where you have to ask them WILL.
Let me show you how this works:
“Is it too much to ask to have them text me back?”
Answer: No. Not at all.
Now what? Do you have the tools to self-regulate what this is REALLY about (feeling ignored/abandoned as a child), integrating it, surrendering from the old victim story, resourcing yourself, then in a powerfully firm, but compassionate way sharing what came up for you, what your needs are, and being firm enough to walk away with understanding (without resentment) and confidence in yourself to be able to find it elsewhere?
Or are you like most people — who just stay there — upset and complaining, and changing NOTHING about themselves, letting those wounds run the show expecting to find a prince charming who will never bring those wounds up again?
“Don’t I deserve someone who can respect me the way I respect them?”
Answer: Of course you do. The problem here is that from my experience, you don’t get what you DESERVE. You get what you’ll SETTLE FOR.
And, I’ve noticed that people treat me how I treat myself. Ever since I worked hard to heal my attachment wounds and become Trigger proof, I don’t tolerate being treated less than respectful. I have no availability for someone who talks to me or treats me like crap. This is both in business, in my community, and my personal life.
On the other side of healing your attachment wounds, you automatically communicate with clear, firm yet flexible boundaries with respect to in how someone behaves towards you.
Setting boundaries can be terrifying to us when we have felt punished, shamed, or invalidated when we set them in the past, especially as a child. We learn that our voices, wants, needs, and preferences don’t matter, so we just keep them silent.
Also, take our wounded energy when trying to set boundaries, combined with emotionally immature and wounded people who don’t respond well to them, and it’s a recipe for reactivity or stonewalling, either way leaving us with a feeling of guilt and regret for asking for what we want.
Our childhood wounds prevent us from being able to tolerate guilt and be “a bad person” and speaking up.
In other words, we disrespect OURSELVES FIRST by staying silent.
We don’t speak up, we don’t share our needs due to fear — — until we become frustrated, and the communication breaks down as now we have two needy children fighting to be loved rather than two functional adults communicating their needs in a win/win.
Again — it’s not your FAULT.
You’re not a bad person.
You’re simply at the effect of generations of invalidation and unconscious parenting.
So is your partner.
The real question is WHAT NOW?
The answer to this comes on the other side of asking “what do I want?”
If your answer is “I want a secure relationship where I’m not having to negotiate for love… that it’s mutual and mature, where there is emotional and psychological safety to express ourselves, with deep intimacy….”
Then I say…
FINALLY, NOW YOU’RE TALKING.
It’s called “Should I stay or Go? 5 Transitions required to break repetitive patterns and create the secure relationships you’ve always wanted, without years of counseling or therapy.”
Using these 5 Transitions — Vanessa was able to leave a trauma bonded Co-Dependency and find her Prince Charming in under 3 months.
Jen was able to finally take a stand in her relationship and choose HERSELF and NOT please (for the first time) and her partner has stepped up BIGTIME.
It’s so common.
Healing it, isn’t.
What’s being taught out there is perpetuating victimhood.
Teaching coercive scripts and tactics don’t work, either.
This isn’t a “game” to try to manipulate another person into giving you what you want.
It’s far deeper than that.
If you want to get to the root cause of what causes these patterns to emerge,
heal what’s underneath,
Find your empowered voice,
And create the relationships you deserve (but maybe have been settling for less),
Then follow the LINK and join us.
When you do the quality of your questions will change and you’ll find yourself having the relationships you actually deserve because you won’t tolerate anything less.