Are We A Match?

The other day I was in a Leadership training with my coach, Marla.

She had me look back on the students and clients we have served in helping them heal from Trauma Bonds.

The ones who REALLY nailed it. The ones who have taken the work and transformed their lives with it.

It also made me reflect on those who really were a mismatch.

That’s the thing about being human.

Not everyone is for you.

I’m learning this heavily right now, as the last integration of my own inner journey has me wanting to share something very vulnerable,
something I’ve been avoiding because I’ve been too afraid of the repercussions.

I’ve been too afraid of being “rejected” for it.

So I didn’t speak up because, quite frankly who wants to walk into a place where they KNOW
that they’re going to receive hate or ruffle feathers?

Then I thought about what breaking a Trauma Bond is LITERALLY all about.

A Trauma Bond is a powerful energetic attachment to a person (or group) that feels almost IMPOSSIBLE to break,
even if it’s unhealthy or toxic.
One part of us craves freedom and self expression,
the other fears abandonment.

Even if the person(or group) is slowly eating you alive, it feels safer than leaving — because there’s a familiarity to it.
It’s a repetition compulsion from an earlier attachment. So breaking free feels even scarier.

Rejection through guilt and shame are the weapons used to keep the bond tied together.
Even though it’s not often physical (sometimes it is in extreme cases — like a hostage situation)

OUR INTOLERANCE OF PROCESSING AND INTEGRATING GUILT AND SHAME BECOME WEAPONS USED AGAINST US.

That’s why without the proper guidance, it feels literally IMPOSSIBLE to break.

So freedom a Trauma Bond in this lifetime is rare — only for the precious few souls courageous enough
to confront those powerful “weapons”,
and allow them to burn through their core — and come out victorious.

It’s startling to me how similar all these emails and DMs are.

They’re the ones who I hear have the same complaints:

“Why won’t he stop cheating on me?”
“My partner is a narcissist and refuses to do the work. Help!”
“Why do I keep attracting the same type of person who’s emotionally unavailable?”
“Why can’t I commit? I want a relationship but when they get close it feels suffocating.”
“Why can’t I have them AND ME at the same time?”
“I keep finding them texting and flirting with others. Is it wrong for me to expect them to make ME a priority?”
“Things have gotten abusive. Can we salvage the marriage?”

To answer these questions — we must go deeper:

“Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them.” — Carl Jung.

Trauma Bonds have very little to do with the partner we choose and everything to do with the perfection of why we chose them.
When we figure THAT out, we open the possibility to better questions:

How can I create relationships that feel secure?
How can I create a relationship where I can have ME and THEM at the same time?
What skills have I been missing learning that enable me to say “no” and set boundaries when I don’t feel aligned?
How can I better gain access to what I’m actually feeling instead of trying to please the voice of my mother/father in my mind?
How can I get better at knowing what I really want?

When I get DM’s with back-stories and questions about a partner that someone is struggling with,
Deep down, I secretly wish they would ask me better questions, and then I realize,how are they even supposed to know if they’ve never been guided.

Andrew was able to leave a Trauma Bond situation with his former partner he felt completely trapped in
with emotional responsibility for —
(just like he did with his mother) — and — paralyzed with a one year episode of anxiety as a result, was able to
heal from his anxiety and and part ways as friends with his girlfriend — heal with his entire family —
and reconnect to his purpose as a men’s anxiety coach.

Martha hadn’t spoken to her husband for 2 months before reaching out to me scared that “can we save this marriage?”
realizing after 6 weeks when the Trauma Bond spell was broken —
that this was DEFINITELY NOT a marriage worth saving.

She’s finalized her divorce and found freedom,
purpose, new skills and a new community for herself where she was
a hollow empty core of a human being before. She’s finding her sense of ease and femininity again after
having such a hard masculine shield that was protecting her from per pain.

Anita has known nothing but abusive relationships…
she wanted to finally figure out the darker parts of herself inside of her that were
calling this type of person in, again and again.
Clearly it was never her fault — and as it turns out — it was a familiar pattern from childhood where
she was physically abused by her father. Her mind was blown when she realized that anything left incomplete from our past,
no matter how hard we try to bury it — we repeat. She decided this time she was going to evolve — and voila within months,
met her person which felt COMPLETELY DIFFERENT — she’s now married and they’re working as a team on having a baby
in a safe container.

I have a similar story I’ve shared many times.
(Youtube: “Dr. Nima: How I found myself stuck in a trauma bond” and I spill the beans on the journey.)

The point is this: Healing Trauma Bonds is a Path — and there is NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE IT ALONE.

I have had — and continue to have amazing guides — because hey — I am human and have blind spots.
There’s never a “finish line” with personal growth.

That’s why I look back on the folks who’ve been really ecstatic about walking their path with me — and I’ve noticed a list
of traits that make them a match.

Already on the “Path” to healing whether with me or not.

• Have felt stuck with “conventional” methods and is open to trying something new
• Are Willing to receive feedback and have their blind spots gently revealed
• Open to sharing their truth even though it might feel scary like they are being “exposed” or “judged”
• Humble enough to look in the mirror
• Are tired of playing the victim and no longer are looking to have their victim story simply validated any longer (been there done that).
• Are ready for real change, and are WILLFUL and INTENTIONAL in BECOMING the change.
• Are willing to throw away the terms “fault” and “blame”
• Place a high priority on investing in themselves and their healing and have already done so before and get that it’s a path and process of fair exchange
• they’re not looking for handouts or simply emotional dumping or just to be rescued by anyone.
• Understand that their own healing uplifts others so they’re ready to make themselves a priority.
• Resourceful and Resilient enough that they can make their decisions in the spirit of who they are BECOMING rather than from their trauma.
• Understand the importance and value of training in emotional literacy, and healthy emotional expression for relationships and willing to invest in it.
• Has support from loved ones around them– and even if they don’t– they won’t let that stop them.
• Is ready to receive a secure relationship within the container of our relationship and tell the truth (authenticity right off the bat).
• Understands this is a Spiritual Path and is wanting to gain further trust in their Divinity
• See the totality of the work they’re doing– breaking the collective unconscious and individually.
• Feel called to work with Me as a guide
• Are willing to move through the fear and uncertainty.
• Prioritize showing up to the calls and doing the “work”.

I look back on the people I loved working with — and those were the traits.

This type of client also has a list of traits in their ideal guide:

• Playful yet serious when needed.
• Caring and empathetic yet direct
• Authentic and transparent
• Intuitive with finding blind spots and seeing possibility hidden from plain view.
• Willing to openly share their boundaries and respect your boundaries for the sake of the longevity of the relationship
• Isn’t speaking from “Formal Training” only– but actual lived experience
• Isn’t asking their client to do what they themselves weren’t willing to do
• Has walked the path before– cried the tears and done the work.
• Has clients’ “long term” well-being as their number 1 priority.
• Isn’t teaching a regurgitation of everything they’ve already heard before
• More of an integration of what they’ve processed in their own life from an embodied place.
• Is giving you the truth in a loving way where you can receive it.
• Isn’t speaking from the position of “sainthood”. Anything (and I mean ANYTHING) is received without judgment.
• Is Intuitive and listens and understands you completely, and aims to do so when there is a disagreement.
• Is creative in finding specific solutions that are tailored to your particular challenges
• Cares for the relationship first OVER the transaction.

Trauma Bonds are serious business.
They’re exhausting, and so powerful and breaking free is no small feat.

We all have to walk this path at SOME time if we are wanting to experience relationships where the home feels like a sanctuary,
not a battlefield.
We have to decide if we want to do it the hard way– trial and error —
risking breakups, self-abandonment,
and passing the trauma to our children —
or making this the slowest process ever, assuming we can possibly make the shifts alone, without support? Like being a doctor or pro basketball player through trial and error —
can we undo decades of conditioning– by ourselves?

That’s why it’s important to find a guide who you’re a match with.
I’m definitely not everyone’s cup of tea — and I’m ok with that.

Just make sure you find someone who is.

If you think we are a match, comment below and let me know why.

Would love to see if you’re ready to walk the path of the Cyclebreaker.