Breaking A Trauma Bond: Forming A New Identity
I used to live in a fantasy.
That fantasy sounded something like this:
“I’ve had shitty luck with relationships. When I meet the right person, then I’ll have a great relationship.”
After my divorce in 2011, I went down the rabbit hole of one relationship after another falling into the same pattern.
They never ended well.
The last one I was in — I was so unconscious, that I allowed things to devolve between us to the point that the police were involved.
Needless to say I had to go through a healing process to unpack what happened.
This is where I discovered what I had never learned until then:
The Neuroscience of Trauma Bonds. ,
I realized that Trauma Bonds are why we get stuck in cycles of abuse, from love-bombing, to devaluing, to discarding…
All the way around back to love-bombing again — knowing FULL WELL it’s not healthy but feeling POWERLESS to getting out.
At the age of 43 I had to realize that if I was to achieve what I had never achieved before —
(A Secure Relationship that wasn’t manipulative and transactional)
That I wasn’t going to try to focus on FINDING the right partner…
It was about me BECOMING the right partner.
A new “identity,” if you will.
I had to realize that I was already unconsciously playing a role. A character…
An identity that I wasn’t even aware I was under the spell of.
This is the insidious nature of cultural and family systems, and their impact on our upbringing.
It’s why people feel like they can’t be their true selves. It’s why we “people please.”
We aren’t even aware that we are under the spell of these roles….
Then we partner up with equally wounded souls who are just as unconscious of this as we are.
Then we try to have relationships under this context.
How’s that been working for you?
In this 14 minute video, I break down how in order to create a new reality in the world of relationships,
we are called on to BECOME SOMEONE ELSE.
To take on a new identity, on that is a safe container where secure relationships can thrive.
If we don’t, we can end it with one person, and feel shocked to see “here we go again” — same dance with a different haircut…
And our children see co-dependency modelled to them — and they repeat the pattern, just like we did.
But when we do — we no longer are available for ANTHING other than mature, secure intimate love…
And we can teach that to our children.
Because we are no longer being run by self-abandoning unconscious programs.
This is what it means to be a cyclebreaker.
Integrating all our wounded parts together, and emerging a whole, complete, self-loving being on the other side.
You don’t have to repeat your past.
You are greater than your trauma or conditioning.
You get to make the call:
Who would you love to become in this one life you have?
Comment below and let me know what you want to create as a possibility.
If you’re keen to learn how, any one of these links will help you move the needle…
See you at the next perfect time.