Breakups: Why They Feel Like Soul-Crushing Purgatory
(The 3 Unspoken truths of Grieving Trauma Bonds)
Between Christmas and Valentine’s day there is a spike in breakups for romantic relationships.
Right now, my DM’s and emails are full of people looking for help
who are struggling through a ruptured attachment to a significant other.
If you have ever found yourself in the depths of grief after a break-up, feeling inexplicably tethered to someone you know isn’t right for you, pay close attention.
It’s a bewildering place to be.
I remember it quite well a few years ago– where logic battles emotion, and despite every rational argument,
you can’t seem to sever the bond.
The ruminating.
The guilt and shame.
The endless loops of blame and guilt,
pendulating from blaming them, to blaming yourself, wearing resentment like a heavy cloak that buries a mountain of toxic shame.
I want to shed light on why this agony feels insurmountable.
It’s something deeper than “love gone awry;”
it’s the grip of a Trauma Bond,
a volatile addiction that feels nearly impossible to break.
These bonds, marked by cycles of love bombing and pedestalization, create a connection so intense it’s akin to emotional quicksand.
Those impacted end up losing trust in themselves so quickly that the toxic shame causes them to lose the will to even live.
These breakups feel like an existential crisis because there are 3 separate griefs to mourn.
These griefs represent 3 unspoken truths I’m hoping to share to help make sense of why you might be stuck.
- YOU’RE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE CHILD WITHIN THEM:
You’ve seen their vulnerabilities, their wounds, and in nurturing them, you’ve intertwined your sense of purpose with their well-being. This connection mirrors a parental bond, making the thought of losing them feel as profound as losing a child.
2) YOU’RE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE “IDEAL MOTHER’S GAZE”:
At the relationship’s peak, they saw you — a gaze so validating it felt like maternal unconditional love that wasn’t properly received in childhood. The withdrawal of this pedestalization and unconditional love is not just the loss of a partner but it feels like the loss of a maternal connection that once bathed you in acceptance (often for the first time).
3) YOU’RE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE SHARED FANTASY:
From “Power Couple” aspirations to dreams of domestic bliss with kids and the white picket fence, these fantasies are the scaffolding for future hopes. Their collapse doesn’t just signify the end of a relationship but the mourning of a future that will never materialize.
If you’ve grown weary from the endless cycle of bickering, living in a limbo that feels like purgatory, and not trusting your own reality, there is a beacon of hope. I’m inviting you to a journey in the form of a 3-hour event: “Breaking Trauma Bonds and Healing Codependency,” where I’ll guide you through the very path that led me from the brink of despair to a life of understanding, healing, and genuine connection with a secure partner.
Even though I was late to the party,
at 45 I created what I never thought I ever could before, due to my wounding:
A co-regulating, polarized and secure married bond where we are modeling secure attachment skills to our 3 year old.
Isn’t he cute?
If I can do it, then you can too.
And I can’t wait to share how this Friday.
This event isn’t just about “moving on;”
it’s about transforming your foundational understanding of relationships.
It’s about moving beyond mere communication techniques to mastering Advanced Secure Attachment Skills, paving the way to relationships grounded in authenticity
rather than transaction and manipulation.
Imagine a life where you’re not just free from the chains of a trauma bond but are thriving,
capable of attracting and nurturing a relationship that celebrates the true essence of who you are.
It’s more than possible — it’s your birthright.
You were born to be securely attached,
but conditioned into insecurity.
Even though you are not to blame for this,
you don’t have to let another day pass feeling like “damaged goods,” estranged from
your true essence and caught in the aftermath of narcissistic or psychopathic behaviors spurred by unresolved trauma bonds.
I also know what it’s like to be afraid of the consequences of leaving.
We’ll cover that too at the event.
If you resonate with this, and you feel called to learn more, you don’t have to do it alone.
We were never meant to.
You’re invited to a transformative journey together.
Your climb from the depths of despair to the heights of authentic,
secure love starts now.
Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. Remember, the end of a trauma bond isn’t just an ending; it’s the beginning of a journey back to your true self. You’re welcome to take that step together on Friday February 16th for only $30 for a 3 hour zoom event (Saturday morning of the 17th in Sydney)
Break Free from Trauma Bonds and Heal Codependency Here.
Replay up for 48 hours.
