Can You Regulate Your Self Or Do You React

Dr. Nima Rahmany
2 min readJul 9, 2022

One of the most common complaints
of people coming to us for help in relationship limbo
comes from having an inability to self-regulate
when you are triggered by your partner.

When I don’t have the right questions,
ready and prepared to go into self-inquiry,
then I go straight into “ego-defense”
when another person pushes my buttons.
I make them wrong, feel judged, and attacked,
and I then turn around and do the exact same.

I become at the mercy (and effect) of another person’s
as well as my own.

The way you solve this is to “own the projection”
which basically means to see whatever the other person is
doing is actually a reflection of an unloved and disowned
part of yourself.
They are reflecting your insecurities.
Your shadow.

Conscious relationships are not for the faint of heart.
It’s much easier to judge and blame the other person for
being an A-hole.
It takes a more conscious and growth-minded person to
awaken to what relationships are actually here for:
To help us understand and love ourselves deeper.
To show a reflection of something we haven’t looked at.

If you don’t take that step and start asking the right questions,
you constantly run around looking for the perfect person
that won’t push your buttons and you keep running into
people who do.
Then shame.
Then wanting to give up on the relationship.
Or even yourself

Two great questions to ask (for the conscious-growth-seeking individual) are:

1) What am I judging in this person?
2) Where do I do the EXACT SAME but in my own unique way?

When you get this right…
something magical happens.

You catch your own projections.
You humble yourself.
Your sense of empathy and understanding expands.
As does your connection with others.

The reason why is because you are now
more self-aware,
more understanding,
more regulated,
and not as easily
and reactive.
You end up being safer to be around.
As a mother.

It’s all in the questions you’re able to ask.

I predict that self-regulation will be the #1 relationship-
building activity you can do.

It’s the foundation of all your relationships. Without
mastery of this, no relationships could ever truly work.
Health can’t be maintained and regulated and your career
can’t be expanded in any powerful and confident way.



Dr. Nima Rahmany

Dr. Nima Rahmany is a retired Chiropractor and interpersonal trauma specialist studying and teaching principles of healing mind and body.