Children Ruin Relationships
(3 things I discovered on my Polarity Journey- A 4 minute read)
“Jim” had the affair shortly after the birth of their second child.
“Tammy” left him for her boss while she was pregnant with her 2nd child.
These are the stories of two separate cases I’ve helped in the recovery of their “should I stay or go” marriage situation inside of my CycleBreaker Academy.
Infidelity is one of the most common problems impacting marriages, especially after children come into the picture.
It wasn’t until I had MY kid that the infidelity issue all began to make sense.
Here I was, thinking I had it all figured out
after finding my person, getting married — and in 2020, welcoming the most precious soul (our son Dominic) to the world.
It wasn’t until he was 6 months old before I started detecting a problem.
I didn’t want to say anything, because I could see how tired Diana was.
Nursing, staying up at night,
b**bs sore, not fully recovered from the C-section.
I was observing in awe a woman take on the most important role in her life, embodying a whole new identity (mother),
completely different from the woman I met,
with one sole mission in life:
To make sure all of Dominic’s physical and emotional needs were being met.
As all this was happening, it was an understanding (more like an expectation) that the “right” thing for a man to do is to put his needs for connection, touch, sêxuality aside to facilitate this transition.
Unless a man has had a unicorn father who is emotionally attuned and can sit him down and teach him how to cope with this reality (sadly not too many of us have had this experience),
once a man finds himself in this situation,
he will turn to several strategies to cope —
and it’s important to note that these happen BEFORE the affair starts:
1. Shut down his sêxuality and gaslight his needs
2. Use Po*n and Fantasy to get off
3. Get irritated (as we do when our needs aren’t met) and complain.
These are the first lines of defense — each one with it’s own obvious drawbacks.
As a man being in this situation — I can certainly relate.
It wasn’t until Dominic was 1 and I was finding myself in the most amazing relationship with someone I truly cared for as my “person” — but I was missing this critical piece of sêxual connection and satisfaction.
The problem WASN’T that I wasn’t “getting any”.
THE PROBLEM WAS THAT I DIDN’T REALLY CARE.
This was my real red flag —
because I knew which way this road would be heading.
It was completely unsustainable, and I didn’t want to be a statistic like the people I work with every day.
Something had to be done.
I used to think being in a secure relationship was the “holy grail”.
But It turned out to be a false summit.
I had to figure out:
How can we ensure to maintain attraction in long term relationships — ESPECIALLY after we have kids — as this is when sh*t seems to hit the fan in a marriage.
This is when I went *balls deep* into polarity work, and I invested in high level private training.
In the journey over the last few years, I discovered 3 things that anyone who wants to upgrade their magnetism (single or partnered) NEEDS to know when navigating this terrain:
1. POLARITY IS POLARIZING.
Everyone says they want magnetism in their relationships — it’s just that with the advent of feminism and the #metoo movement, the pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction that women are now being given the messaging that they shouldn’t “need” men and that qualities like independence and achievement of career goals
are to be pedestalized — often at the expense of a woman’s instinctual desires to be cherished, protected, provided for, and led — causing more and more women to burnout from adrenal fatigue and exhaustion.
Deep down every bossbabe I’ve ever worked with has admitted they deeply crave this (even though some think they’re wrong to do so) — and every man WANTS to provide these things… (underneath all the wounding).
Most of us haven’t had good role models (as many of our parents grew up in environments where mothers took the lead).
So many folks mistakenly feel polarity is about suppressing women, and keeping them as voiceless doormats instead of the cherished and protected nurturers they are meant be — who give men purpose and inspiration simply by their RECEIVING.
It’s polarizing because it’s become politically incorrect to acknowledge those instinctual desires.
No wonder we are so confused about it.
(Imagine we consciously choose to take on roles that help us get our inherent needs met as two willing players of the game — notice what that brings up for you.)
2. HAVING CHILDREN CAUSES A SLOW AND STEADY BREAKDOWN OF POLARITY
It’s an evolutionary advantage for a woman
to go into “Mamma bear” protective mode after she has children.
Instinctually, she knows what’s best for her child, and will often play the “Quarterback” on making sure the child gets their needs met.
She suddenly needs more support.
Add to that a lack of sleep,
and unresolved woundings (which every child will activate),and her energy shifts into “Commander” role.
Motherhood is inherently about leadership in service of the child.
This will naturally slip into leadership of the household, causing her to take control — and the partner having to submit to those increased demands.
Over time, under this new regime,
the magnetism that brought the two together begins to erode,and the erotic tension begins to slowly fade, and before a couple even knows it — the polarity has become inverted where the woman is in her masculine energy and the man has become emasculated.
Polarity inversion happens like a rip current,
where you don’t even know it’s happening,
but the complaints always sound the same:
For him: “She’s so controlling.”
For her: “It’s like I have to do everything — I just wish he would step up and lead us.”
Months will go by and the two who were once in love, who couldn’t keep their hands off one another —
have barely even TOUCHED one another.
Luckily I caught this early and was able to make the shifts.
You won’t ever hear those complaints in our home anymore, since I was able to practice the nuance of Integrated Polarity.
Left unaddressed, a couple becomes vulnerable
to those needs being met elsewhere — especially to office dynamics where polarity is baked into the structure of the Boss/employee dynamics.
Suddenly this becomes the perfect storm for an affair.
And it doesn’t have to be this way.
My opinion — why not learn how to recreate this polarity dynamic at home to prevent that?
Because it’s not “politically correct?
”Because those who oppose “Traditional Gender roles” say it’s suppressive?
REALLY?
Which brings me to point #3:
#3. THERE ARE AS MANY DIFFERENT OPINIONS ON POLARITY AS THERE ARE TEACHERS — AND NOBODY SEEMS TO AGREE.
It’s rare to learn these teachings with someone who is truly EMBODYING the work.
When you see a commentary on polarity — ask yourself:
Is their opinion coming from living in a secure relationship where their relationship is polarized
— Masculine Lead, Feminine Follow?
And if they are — how do we know?
Is there transparency there?
Can this person hold a relationship together?
Or are they single?
So many single women talking about polarity —
trying to teach other women how to get men to pay for their shit.
So many single men calling it polarity —
trying to use the teachings to play many women at the same time.
Is the reference coming from a long term relationship — with children — where a woman is feeling led, fulfilled and protected —
like she doesn’t have to mother him and have to take care of everything?
Does the man feel respect and admiration from his woman?
Embodiment means actually LIVING IT.
I see polarity as a spiritual practice,
not just for erotic tension and sêxual magnetism,
(which it’s quite effective for — let me tell you),
but because it’s a way to ensure the family system has a chance to return to a place of balance, where a man feels respected, and a woman feels cherished and protected, so that kids can then grow up to recreate a home that’s a “Fortress for Well-Being” rather than a Power Struggle between two people disconnected from receiving their innate desires because of conditioning, wounding, and gaslighting their needs.
Our children deserve to grow up in an environment where there is magnetism between their parents and they’re not just “sticking together” for the sake of the kids, but they’re together because they are GENUINELY attracted to each other.
And that can only happen if we discard what society is telling we “should” be doing, and replace it with what the laws of physics as well as our biological needs require of us.
If we don’t — we will lack true fulfillment and won’t understand why.
We end up feeling repulsed with each other’s energy, like two magnets from the same pole.
Families become vulnerable and fall apart,
birthing the traumatic experiences of the next generation who are caught in the crossfire.
But when we do put in the time and effort to learn —
Relationships flourish as they return to the laws of nature.
Families thrive.
It’s certainly worth the practice.
Our relationships and children DESERVE it from us.
(I acknowledge this isn’t for everyone and that’s ok —
I’ll be hosting a community workshop to teach those about the shifts I made on my polarity journey on July 12th for those who can resonate and are committed to implementing more polarity in their relationship communication to break the cycle and upgrade their magnetism in long term relationships and in dating too).
see below for the deets (no replays).
