Most of us tend to look at our partners as the source of the problem.
One person commented on a post yesterday “I know I can’t change him but I just want him to want to change for me.”
Wouldn’t that be so amazing? If the people who we chose as our partners… As soon as we’re triggered by their behavior, to listen to us deeply and intently, and make the corrections so that we don’t have to be confronted by them anymore?
I wish I had a nickel for every time I read someone’s back story complaining about these same arguments that keep popping up again and again — — or the same patterns of relationships that keep happening.
Sheila Vijeyarasa was one of the rare types who finally GOT that she was re-living a cycle, and no matter how much success she was achieving in her business, it felt incomplete without a partner that was stable and secure…
When we first began, she quickly discovered the that her relationship was an unconscious trauma bond pattern. For sure he had his own issues to contend with that were his responsibility, and he certainly wasn’t interested in taking ownership, and that does suck. What was interesting was when she discovered what pulled her to him (and other guys like him). Her unresolved attachment traumas from a family dynamic being raised by parents who themselves were unconsciously tied together through their own past traumas.
Immediately when we do this, we begin to dismantle the cycle.
She saw that it wasn’t personal. That there was nothing really “wrong” with her AT ALL. She, like me and you, was stuck in the repetition of a pattern that didn’t even start with her.
She went ALL IN. She began taking responsibility (without blame or shame) for the unconscious patterns she was entangled in and began to learn how to get out of her anxious mind and get into her body and become the active operator of her own Nervous System. When we don’t do that, we try to use others to do it (and it never works because this is where Co-Dependency THRIVES).
It was amazing to see from my observation of it — when our students begin with frazzled Nervous Systems, they can’t sit still on the training sessions, they’re distracted and multi-tasking constantly (all a manifestation of the hyper vigilance associated with trauma). Within weeks of her training, she was present, calm, and sharing from her heart. I could actually feel her there, where I couldn’t at the beginning, which is common with almost everyone who is run by “Entrepreneurial Anxiety”.
When she updated the community about her progress on our last call, I was thrilled for her, and asked her if she would be willing to share her journey for the millions of other men and women in her shoes wondering why they keep attracting the same thing, wondering if they will ever know what it feels like to be in a relationship that feels safe and secure.
If you haven’t had Secure, intimate relationships modeled to you, don’t be surprised if you yourself don’t know what it feels like. This is precisely why you wouldn’t know what to aim for, and will tolerate chaos and emotional unavailability because it’s familiar and you will run away from Safety because safety feels too damn boring.
This experience was my own as well. I had to stop pointing fingers and learn how to create safety within. And in a short period of time, with consistency, I have created it in a relationship, and work at re-creating it every day (today is always day 1 up the mountain).
A secure relationship that isn’t run by fear, panic, anxiety, and walking on egg-shells with push-pull dynamics is OUR BIRTHRIGHT.
But unfortunately most people just pray that it will just HAPPEN for us.
Like Sheila and myself and all of the other Cyclebreakers in our community, one must powerfully decide that enough is enough, and stop looking on the outside, and go deep inside (where most are too afraid to look) to find it.
One must powerfully decide to overcome the resistance that will no doubt be there, and to choose to be worthy enough to invest the time, the resources, the energy, the training, and the tears to liberate themselves from their conditioning.
It’s not easy.
We can’t do it alone, and no one can do it for us.
Can you relate to Sheila?
If you do, you feel the pull, but are a bit scared and yet excited, we have 3 openings for people who resonate with this to begin their training to Break the Cycle of insecure relationships.
- Must be Self-reliant Self-Starters and can make empowered decisions on their own (otherwise their partner must be present for the application call).
- Must be willing to overcome and transcend your victim story. Everyone has had bad things happen to them. The successful applicant who gets results like Shelia must be WILLING to let go of the blame game to get to the promised land.
- Has ALREADY INVESTED in personal growth, Therapy, Demartini, Byron Katie, NLP… ANYTHING to help you move the needle forward. We used to take everyone in and discovered, this stuff is a bit deeper and more advanced so now we prefer if you’re already participating (or have participated in) personal development of SOME kind. It doesn’t matter. It just shows you’re actually serious, and that’s the only way this will work.
- Can commit to showing up twice a week to group trainings as well as doing their own Neural Exercises. Healing Developmental trauma is no fucking joke. It doesn’t happen overnight simply because we invest in a program. You can’t just throw money at it and make it go away.
- Must be coachable and willing to receive feedback (even though it might be painful). Our shadows are where our blind spots are. We need to empower people who have our best interests at heart to let us know when we are projecting on others.
- Must be willing to have fun. Healing trauma is challenging, and sometimes gets heavy. There’s no reason why we can’t have a bunch of laughs at this divine comedy / tragedy of life.
If you’re ready to make HUGE incremental progress in learning how to become as SAFE CONTAINER WHERE SECURE RELATIONSHIPS CAN THRIVE by Christmas, so that 2022 can be filled with less anxiety, more fun, laughter, deeper intimacy and more authentic relationships, send me a DM and give me your back story.
You deserve connection and love that feels nourishing.
100% of people wish they could have a secure relationship. It’s a far smaller percentage of people who are willing to do what it takes to create one within themselves FIRST in order to get it.
DM me your back story and let’s see if it’s a fit.