Go Hug Your Mom

THE CONVERSATION IN FACEBOOK COMMUNITY “TRIGGERED” THIS POST.

On Friday October 9,2020. I did a Facebook live after a question I asked in my Facebook group about mothers. Lately, with a few clients, we’ve been dealing with a great deal of pain and wounding surrounding the relationship with mum.

I asked the question: “How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?”

And many answered “non-existent,” or even a coach I am acquainted with — said “I wish her all the happiness and Joy in the world. AND I want nothing to do with her.”

It was an interesting comment, wasn’t it?

Out of all the moms I have ever known and met, I know WITH CERTAINTY about one thing they all have in common:

There’s no way for ANY mother to experience Joy and Happiness in her life if her kid wants nothing to do with her.

FACT.

Look, I get it.

Love is hard.

Especially when mum didn’t have the inner resources to regulate her emotions and take responsibility for her mental-well-being and heal from her attachment wounds. In an ideal world, before you were born, her and your biological father would take time and space and heal from the emotional, physical, and sexual trauma they experienced, connected securely with one another, and decided to raise a child and prioritize the emotional and physical well being of that child and be a team on that path of conscious awareness……..

BUUUUUUUUUUUUT…..

It looks like things didn’t quite work out that way… did they?

I’m truly sorry about that.

I guess you’re fucked for life, right?

Just wallow in “what should have been….”

Choose to stay angry.

Choose to judge her for her transgressions.

Or… Just run away, hide, and avoid her all together.

And keep running your story.

No one is taking your rights away from doing that.

Have at it.

Just be aware of the consequences of this choice.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER REFLECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH LIFE ITSELF

That one hit me hard when I realized that.

I looked and saw some pretty humbling parallels.

-My relationships with women were all tarnished by my resentment.

- I would create drama to re-enact and rebel against what I was angry about with my own mother. (This was a tough one for me to face).

- I was anxious all the time.

- I couldn’t have an authentic relationship with her. I hid the truth from her, and blamed it on the fact that she couldn’t handle my truth. I realized I would lie about everything because I couldn’t handle HER truth about it.

(facepalm when I saw that one ugh).

I had to look at all the shit happening around me and take full ownership, rather than blaming my mother’s transgressions for it.

That ONLY took me 43 years to finally GET.

When I FINALLY DID heal my attachment wounds, everything began to change.

My relationship with my parents became authentic. I wasn’t hiding myself anymore.

I dissolve any shame about who I was, and fully finding my innocence, and unique expression.

I began to love myself and love my life.

Then, I managed to attract the sweetest human — truly an angel in physical form, Diana into my life, and she surprised me one day with the best news of all: That I was to become a parent to my own little coconut.

It all came full-circle, AFTER I chose to let go of my gripes and transgressions, and own my shame and take responsibility.

And now, when I watch Diana nursing 2-week old Dominic, and the pain and exhaustion she’s enduring just to keep our baby alive and feeling connected and loved — I just am in AWE of what mothers do, and the sacrifices they make just to keep us alive for the first month of our life.

And this is only the beginning.

Love is hard.

But living a life where you’re BLOCKING love is unbearable.

When you think of hugging your mom, and you feel a cringe in your body — and you feel ANYTHING but pure love, then there’s an opportunity for you to contribute to the healing and transformation of the planet. You have an opportunity to break the cycle.

What inspired this post???

Dominic was screaming bloody murder — even still after a diaper change. One of those horrific screams as though he was in pain and hurting. Diana was sitting there and her boobs were literally leaking and dripping milk down her stomach like a stream. She told me this happens every time he cries, especially like that — her boobs start leaking milk. And she wasn’t kidding.

They were pouring out like a tap.

My jaw dropped to the floor.

I could see how unsettled Diana was to see her son crying like that. She was fighting back her tears quickly getting set up to feed him.

Perceiving her own child in pain was causing such a deep physiological reaction within her…. That’s love that is beyond skin deep. That’s some DEEP love when you think about what would cause this reaction.

It immediately made me think of my mom and how difficult it must have been for her to ever see me in pain.

I was always judging my mothers REACTIONS to her pain, and never acknowledging the pain ITSELF.

Unless I became a parent myself, how could I possibly know?

Well, it just hit me a few minutes ago and got me thinking.

I started to think about all of us children (pretending to be adults) who choose to hold onto resentment for mum’s unconscious behaviour and our flat out resistance to loving them for who they were and weren’t for us.

Many of the people who resist loving their mother THE MOST can’t even see the irony of the fact they are IMPERFECT PARENTS THEMSELVES.

I know that by loving my mother and father for who they were… not just “saying” it, but actually DOING the work for it to be REAL…I now have an opportunity to create the space for Dominic to show me THE SAME CONSIDERATION AND MERCY for MY shortcomings as a father.

God knows that the more resentment I choose to hold onto will be felt by all those around me — especially my child, who is all feeling and intuition right now. He can feel it.

My healing is a gift to him.

I Choose love.

I choose healing.

I am asking for the sake of the world, you make the same choice for yourself.

And go hug your (imperfect) mom.

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Dr. Nima Rahmany

Dr. Nima Rahmany is a retired Chiropractor and interpersonal trauma specialist studying and teaching principles of healing mind and body.