Healing The Abandonment Wound
If you’ve ever RUN at the first sign of trouble in a trigger you can’t seem to regulate in relationships….
Or, you FAWN at the first sign of trouble…
I guarantee you’ve heard about the term “The Abandonment Wound”.
The origin of our abandonment wound lies usually in
traumatic childhood experiences such as an emotionally unavailable mother/father, or the sudden death of a loved one, or in my case — both a time of separation, combined with emotional unavailability of both parents.
Please understand: it’s not a “blame” type of conversation I’m interested in promoting, because our parents were mostly unconscious of the insidious nature of trauma, and quite frankly they were all at the effect of their trauma’s anyway.
Many are concerned because they notice the same patterns in their own parenting of their children.
We as humans, when in a good space,
don’t ever mean to “abandon” someone.
We are just busy trying to get our needs met.
If we are unconscious of this (like many of our parents were)
we create the experience by others that feels like “abandonment”.
Ultimately, even though abandonment is a story we tell ourselves, I don’t really know too many people who AREN’T in some way being effected by their “Abandonment” wounds.
Here’s some common ways it will show up in real time:
■ If there is conflict or tension in your relationship you immediately assume the worst and prepare yourself mentally for a future without your partner
I used to feel this way in all my relationships.. ALL OF THEM…Even my first marriage right on our wedding day.
After learning how to regulate it, I don’t experience it any more and have been able to learn how to trust love again.
■ When your partner is angry with you or needs space,
your mind is certain that they are going to leave you and you start to become needy in the hope that you can change their mind
Because for many of us, conflict wasn’t modelled in a healthy way growing up, conflict always ended up (and still does, often) with me feeling not-seen, not heard, not understood — and it ended up having me repeat the same patterns in my romantic relationships. After learning how to regulate my abandonment wound, conflict turns to greater intimacy in seconds with my wife.
■ You self-sabotage your relationships in such a way that you always end up in situations where you can prove to yourself that you will always get abandoned, no matter what you do and how much you love
I never experienced this — but every woman I dated fit this description. I was the perfect match for a person with that abandonment wound, because I was always the one doing the “abandoning” beginning with the emotional.
People with my kind of “avoidant” tendencies were a perfect match for THIS one.
This is uncomfortable for me to even talk about.
(But we need to be talking about this now more than ever)
■ You abandon your own needs, beliefs, and habits easily to please your partner, to ensure they are not going to leave you
My ex and I lived this dance for 4 years, compromising our emotional and mental well-being trying to live a “shared fantasy” instead of dealing with reality.
This realization ends up being the most painful for our students
when they realize THEY’VE been the ones unconsciously abandoning themselves.
Part of healing this is allowing ourselves to grieve that.
■ You try to avoid confrontation as you don’t want your partner to have any second-thoughts about your relationship, even if that means not drawing your boundaries and silencing yourself if you feel the need to express something that is dear to your heart
Fawning/Freezing is a trauma response and this is how it shows up when the abandonment wound gets triggered.
■ You easily become jealous and try to control your partner’s interactions with the opposite sex as you fear that they could fall in love with someone else and leave you
My ex would get panic attacks at our live events in fear that I would leave her for someone else.
Even though it was toxic, this kind of anxious type of over-controlling behavior was familiar to me, so I ignored all red flags and said “oh, it’s because she loves me she acts this way.”
■ You suffer from lack of trust in your partner even if they show up consistently in a loving way
This is because a part of us feels undeserving of the love of an emotionally present, mature individual because we are still “Chemically Bonded” to the Trauma of being emotionally neglected in a highly reactive high-conflict environment.
It’s almost like we don’t feel safe to receive love safely.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, just know it’s not because there’s something wrong with you.
You, like the majority of others who find themselves in toxic relationship dynamics are likely trauma bonded in relationships with your past — that are so hard-wired in your nervous system they have formed an identity of Co-Dependency — seeking out people who will help you confront these wounds.
Then you will have a choice:
Either keep ignoring them — go back to sleep, back to numbing out, back to the old cycle of love-bombing, devalue, discard, and back again — finally to leave and be surprised to find the same pattern happening again.
Or, finally decide to wake up. Confront those abandonment wounds that are Chemically Bonding you to the same dynamics so that you can break free from their incarceration.
The biggest obstacle is that like prison inmates that have been in the slammer for decades, many of us just don’t want to leave our mental prisons.
There’s a safety found in the enslavement.
It’s familiar, you can delegate the “thinking” and “planning” of your future self to someone else.
It feels safer — but you end up die a slow death and sacrifice your own soul.
And hence the reason why I left full time Chiropractic practice:
I noticed most Chronic Illness sufferers (chronic pain and fatigue, chronic digestive and hormonal issues) fell into this category.
I wanted to help those people learn what they couldn’t anywhere else.
HOW TO FACE, FEEL, AND HEAL ALL OF THIS SHIT.
If you can relate to this, and are ready to learn how to unpack their origins (hint — it happened long before your parents were even born) and begin to develop the muscle to heal this once and for all so that you no longer tolerate any relationships that are NOT mutually respectful of each others voices, emotions, and perspectives…
Then it means you’re willing to step up and be a #Cyclebreaker —
A cycle that didn’t even start with you, but it can end with you.
For those peeps, I’ve created a 40 person weekly group training in a container for people ready to learn what it’s like to heal at a BODY BASED NERVOUS SYSTEM level.
We have 20 spaces remaining (50% sold out and will sell out by our starting date next week on March 1st).
Our early-birds nabbed the free bonuses including the Overview Experience coming up this Saturday — normally 397 USD — included for the Neuroscience attachment/Poly Vagal / Shadow Work keeners).
If you are ready learn how to liberate yourself from the impact of the Abandonment trauma running your life….
So that…
You can say no and mean it and have your boundaries respected by others,
You don’t operate from the lens of an abandonment-shadow fully activated.
You don’t NEED anyone’s approval to choose yourself.
You develop a sense of understanding, and notice your mask coming off,
Your inner voice becomes louder than outside opinions,
Relationships end up becoming real authentic connections.
When that happens…
health and vitality can upgrade from exhausted and sluggish,
constantly triggered and anxious to having more FLOW in your life…..
Check out what our community has cooked up.
20 spots remaining.
LETS FREAKING DO THIS.
Click HERE to register.
