How Can I Fix My Kids ?

8 min readApr 29, 2022

On a daily basis I get a DM from a concerned parent that goes something like this:

“Dr. Nima, I’ve been following your work and feel like I’m at my wits end and I need some advice. My son/daughter is struggling with (ADD, Anxiety, Oppositional Defiant Behavior, Sexually Acting out, or Depression/ talks about ending his/her life).
I’m deeply concerned and been taking them to see a therapist, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Following what you’ve been sharing, I am ashamed to admit that I know the stuff they experienced when they were younger is a big part of it. Their father doesn’t show up for them and they’re really struggling. How can I help them with their abandonment wound/ their x/y/z type of behavior?”

If you’re a parent at your wits end and can relate in some way and feel your kid is dealing with anxiety, I’m hoping this will help illuminate what would be the best option for them moving forward.
First thing’s first:

You’re NOT a shitty parent. It’s likely got a lot to do with you, yes —
but it’s NOT your fault. If you’re reading this it actually means you strive to
be a conscious parent too, and even still you’ll be unconscious most of
the time like the rest of us. We are all human beings doing our best.

OBVIOUSLY THE DEVICES AREN’T HELPING

Let’s start off by stating the obvious about smartphones and
instagram and tik tok. My heart goes out to these little nervous
systems that are being programmed to become dopamine addicts.
If we don’t pay attention to this emerging epidemic, our species is
seriously F$%’d.

IT’S OK TO FEEL GUILT HERE

Nothing I say here is to blame or shame anyone, but since mom/dad
guilt is REAL — and there IS no good parenting without SOME DEGREE
of guilt, my intention is to bring awareness to the insidious nature of
trauma and how it seeps into the psyche of our children from our
unaddressed and unresolved wounds.

It’s ok to have some healthy guilt and shame over this. If that’s what’s
going to help us push past the resistance it will take to solve this (and
believe me you will resist the CRAP out of this), then this is great news
for your kids.

Heidi reached out to me almost 2 years ago with her son on the brink
of being expelled from school for behavioral issues.

This is usually the time that parents seek out therapy.
The kid suddenly acts out, the principal and counsellors get involved
and reach out to the parents and cause embarrassment to the parent.

To help avoid their horrible experience of humiliation, they seek
answers to fix the BEHAVIOR of the child.
Talk therapy, counselling, and possibly cognitive behavioral work
simply can’t address what’s going on inside the nervous system of the
child at the root cause of the behaviors.

Please understand… there is no such thing as “bad/problem child”.
Those are labels given by people who work in a system that isn’t
trauma-informed.

If they were, they would know that a child’s behavior isn’t the problem.
Little humans, like the rest of us, behave in reaction to the state of our
nervous system and the amount of stored survival stress that’s stuck
there.

Anger, frustration, guilt, and shame that is running through a family
system caused by distressed attachments (authoritarian parents, family
fighting, sibling/school bullying, parenting with shame, co-dependent
volatile relationships causing mother / father to be emotionally
detached, addicted, numbed out and dissociated from themselves and
each other) will cause a child to want to dismantle that pent-up energy
or even shut down and freeze.

This turbulence, without a proper container to be expressed and
released with understanding and validation will build up more energy
and the behavior that is being labelled as “bad/unacceptable,”
including controlling eating, binging and purging, addictions, cutting,
zoning out, bedwetting and complusive behaviors become the kid’s
unconscious attempts to regulate and the distress.

Sending them through the system to “support workers” that label
normal responses to unhealthy situations as a “disorder” is often a
form of medical/systemic GASLIGHTING.

Coping is not the same as healing.

(read that again).

Healing requires us to go deeper — and us parents are a lot more
powerful than we think.

If we had the courage to take ownership (not blame or fault) for the
“upstream issue” our kids are affected by — and learn to heal OUR
OWN ATTACHMENT DISTRESS, we can literally shift the entire family
system.

It works.

But the biggest obstacle parents face is that it almost feels like taking
ownership is like an admission of guilt, and rather than face our own
shame and guilt, it feels so much better to get a label for the child so
we can breathe easy and say “oh, he’s got mental health issues/ ADD….
it’s not me. Thank God I’m blameless and this diagnosis helps me not
have to confront my own shadow.”

Our greatest threat to our relational dynamics is our own self-concept.

And no, this is NOT about blaming parents.

If you’re careful and look closely, you’ll see parallels with YOUR OWN
traumas and your own adversity around the same age as your
“problem child”. There’s something there as an opportunity for you.

Since Heidi had already done our program 3 years prior, she was
hoping for a quick fix this time and forgot the rules of the game that is
the bedrock of what we teach all our #Cyclebreakers.

1) OUR CHILDREN ARE REFLECTING PARTS OF OURSELVES WE
HAVEN’T YET LOVED.
2) THEY ARE “CAUSING US TO FEEL” HOW THEY THEMSELVES ARE
FEELING.

“Are you sure, Nima? I just want to throw money at a counsellor to fix
it. It’s not easy for me to admit this has anything to do with me, but if
I’m being honest I can see how disconnected I am in my life, I’m
running on fumes, working all the time, on high alert. She vulnerably
told me about how she could see her role in the family dynamics
being how they were.”
She said (not in so many words).

Courageously, she did what most mothers will avoid:

Rather than try to fix HIM — She took ownership to heal what her son
was reflecting within herself.

She messaged me shortly after and said

“ok Nima, I’m all-in.”

Slowly, as the weeks progressed, through some challenging deep
inner work on connecting with her own attachment traumas, Heidi
noticed changes with her dynamics with her son — and share her wins
with the group, as he slowly would come out of hiding and begin to
help with dinner, chores, and felt more relaxed in the container of the home.
Step by step, week by week, his behavior began to shift. When at first
— when we began, he was dissociated and wanted nothing to do with
her — soon, they were hanging out together and had several
breakthroughs.

His grades changed. His behavior softened.
He didn’t even see a therapist.

Out of the blue, he finds a school with a curriculum that completely
aligned with his interests and applied for it and was suddenly inspired
by the possibility.
Next thing you know, he got accepted, and Heidi’s joy was matched
with the pain of having him go to a boarding school to pursue the
vision that emerged through him thanks to a badass mother who
courageously took ownership (not blame) and went inside.

Heidi is a true #Cyclebreaker.

The work is never “done” either. It’s a lifelong commitment to
changing our old narratives.

If we don’t do this — we perpetuate the shame cycle and repeat the
same dynamics despite all our best intentions.

When we do take charge and learn master the world of projection,
transference, self-regulating and co-regulating, our triggers no longer
run us, and we literally shift the container of the home to a place of
safety and comfort.

These are skills never taught to us by parents who didn’t know.

But that can change, if you’re ready to finally learn.

If your family system has experienced chaos, particularly through the
pandemic, and you’re noticing your children are struggling and you’re
here and you ARE SINCERE and EARNEST in your desire to help them,
this Satuday is your chance to learn how it’s done.

I’ll be breaking down the exact method I teach my cyclebreakers in our
portal and collective communities learning the art of going inward
FIRST and resolving what is happening WITHIN US — addressing it
FIRST — so that we can then be helpful to resolving the conflict,
without spiritual bypassing, or cognitive bypassing…
I show you how to get to the root.

This event is 6 hours long.
We take the trigger and dissect it so that by the end you’re left with nothing but compassion and understanding towards yourself and your child.

From there you can actually HELP the poor kid who’s just acting out
based on WHO THEY THINK THEY ARE.

After all — isn’t it wise if we want to help our children, we first get an
understanding about how they developed their sense of identity? By
educating the very person who helped them formulate a sense of who
they are?

From noon to 6pm PST (that’s 3–9pm EST) and 7- 1pm in Sydney on Sunday morning, our entire community (plus you if you’re open to
being our guest) will be deepening our understanding of these family
systems, the drama triangle, poly vagal theory, and shadow
integration.

It’s an EXPERIENCE.

You won’t be the same at the end, if you’re fully engaged and all-in.

Imagine 40 years ago, your parents had the opportunity to heal some
of the shit that had them show up as unconscious parents repeating a
cycle. Would you want them to heal? Would that have made a
difference for you?

Well, I invite you to consider the possibility that this might be you,
right now.
Your opportunity to change their trajectory by making a shift to your
own blind spots.

Helping THEM, by helping yourself.

What could be more important than that?