How Would You Respond To This
Just received this email:
Hi, I just watched your YouTube video “Anatomy of a Toxic Relationship”. I heard about this video through an automatic email I received about a month ago after taking your Attachment Style quiz. I REALLY wish I would’ve watched your video sooner because it was a huge eye-opener for me and I might not be in my current situation had I watched it sooner.
I’ll try to keep this brief, but long story short, my husband and I have found ourselves in a toxic, abusive situation after 2 years of marriage, 4 years total relationship, after knowing each other for over a decade. I could find every element you pointed out in your video in our marriage, from the testing each other, to the narcissist abusing the other to see if they really love them, to the codependent blocking the exit so he can’t leave — every element has been present in our marriage in one way or the other for the past 8 months. It got to the point that I moved out of our apartment a week ago and am now living with a family friend. I believed this was the only way to help us both get clarity in our relationship and break our cycle of abuse, but now I’m afraid I’ve crossed a point of no return and now our marriage is doomed to fail since I ran away.
I love my husband with all my heart, and I want our marriage to prevail. I recognize the role I’ve played in getting us to this point; I see where I’ve been the co-dependent one who created the push/pull dynamic. I see where I have also brought abusiveness into our marriage; I see that it isn’t just him, but both of us who brought us here. What I’m really curious to know is, have you seen couples/marriages survive this? Have you seen couples break this cycle and be able to return to their partner? Or do most people who find themselves in these cycles typically have to end their current relationship and find another partner?
I appreciate any advice you could give me on the matter. Thank you for taking the time to read my email.
MY THOUGHTS:
First, I’m impressed with the level of ownership and sincere desire to resolve this issue.
To think one can heal this on our own or by watching videos is a fantasy.
We are dealing with unconscious patterns and reactivity that is activated not from a rational place.
There are deeply conditioned patterns at play.
I’ve lived this all first hand and now being on the other side with an embodied understanding of co-dependent relationship dynamics — I had to first figure out how they happen before learning the skills to actually resolve it.
In any form of abuse, in moments of activation, we lose all connection to the present moment of reality, and say and do hurtful things to one another — especially when we feel threatened.
While it’s not condoned or encouraged to treat people in abusive ways, if we want to break the cycle, we are all wise to understand HOW THE CYCLE HAPPENS in the first place
— so
We can dismantle it at its root.
This isn’t to justify being abusive.
As adults; we have the capacity to understand something without condoning it.
In topics like this, because of our unhealed wounds we notice many people lose rationality and react from the projection of their own experiences.
In the comments section — I’m sure I will read “he’s a narcissist — RUN!” Many times. People who tell someone in a trauma bond “girl, leave him you can do better” simply don’t understand the nature of trauma bonds.
Since the woman who wrote me the email is in this community, and the topic is very near and dear to my heart, I will be dropping in live for a fb live Monday the 22nd of August at 1pm PT 4pm ET (that’s 6am in Sydney on the 23rd).
Where: FB LIVE in my Facebook group. To not miss a single transmission, make sure you request to “get notifications”.
If you know someone who needs to be here to listen in, please invite them to the group.
If you comment with an emoji — the algorithm will likely help you find this type of educational content more readily.
If you choose to watch… please:
Bring an open mind.
Pause before you react.
Realize everything isn’t black or white. It’s heavily nuanced, and this conversation isn’t about laying blame or shame.
It’s about creating a possibility of healing.
It’s my purpose to guide people to heal the relationship with themselves first. We can’t do that by pointing fingers.
On tomorrow’s fb live I intend on showing anyone who can relate to this email how we stay stuck in co-dependency by asking the WRONG QUESTIONS.
This is too important not to talk about.
This conversation of healing from trauma bonds will be a major focus in the Upcoming Overview Experience this Saturday.
If you want to know the FUNDAMENTAL SHIFTS this woman will have to make to create a secure relationship in her life that’s free from the cycle of abuse, join us live, or catch the replay.
We all deserve healthy relationships.
But if we haven’t had them modelled to us, we’re bound to repeat what’s been normalized to us.
And in the case of this woman, there’s a child in the mix who’s at the effect of the energy in the family system who is learning and being modelled what’s “normal”.
This is where the cycle begins.
It didn’t start with us.
But it can end with us.
