I Want To But I’m Scared
(The one thing stopping you from feeling secure in a relationship)
Everyone, I mean EVERYONE I have ever come across, especially those who send me DM’s say they are ready to do the real work to finally create a safe and secure relationship that has alluded them.
We all want to feel at ease in our body, and comfortable in relationships knowing we are worthy and deserving of receiving love from someone who is delighted to give it to us in the many ways it can be expressed….
Quality time
Gifts
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
(You already know about these love languages).
Feeling connected to someone with these love languages is critical to our health and enjoyment in the world.
From what we understand about the Nervous System, if you’ve gone through the last 2 years of this Pandemic WITHOUT those things, your mental and physical well-being has likely suffered.
To put it another way, when we are giving and receiving those aspects of love, we deal with crisis and change with greater ease, and lessen our chances of getting sick and getting traumatic stress “disorders”. Love protects us.
Life feels safer when we are connected in love. But love is a funny thing.
If we didn’t receive it (because of parents that were emotionally neglectful or abusive in any way due to being dissociated themselves), our emotional set point of what we feel we DESERVE goes straight into the gutter, and we go endlessly looking for it outside of us (to no avail). We then stay in relationships because we don’t feel we deserve better.
We don’t level ourselves-up and hide our light in fear of setting off a partner who’s equally as wounded and stuck in their pattern refusing to change.
In all the talks I’ve done, Clubhouse rooms, webinars, masterclasses, chatting with people all over the world, along with the students in our programs, I hear the same resulting complaint hidden behind all the varying stories of abandonment, betrayal, frustration, and loneliness in relationships:
A DEEP DISCONNECTION FROM OURSELVES.
Then an opportunity shows up to FINALLY break this toxic cycle — that what happens next seems so bizarre on the surface.
We see it all the time with people who send emails giving their back story of how crappy their relationships are and how they are finally DONE with the BS and ready…. and
“NOW is the time!!!!!”
And then it happens.
They can’t seem to step forward.
They FREEZE (Common Trauma Response).
The fear takes over.
“What will my partner say? I don’t think they would like it.”
Even more saddening that gets me every time”
“I have no resources and need their permission.”
In my mind I’m so sad they can’t rely on their partner to be on the same page for doing things that will help promote their well-being. And then I remember that’s precisely why they are reaching out in the first place.
Sadly,
IN HEALING OUR TRAUMAS, OUR OBSTACLE WHY WE CAN’T BECOMES THE VERY REASON WHY WE MUST.
(Read that again — and think about it)
This pic is a snapshot of another person who reached out to me for help, and her message in my DM’s really illustrates the conundrum that so many people in unconscious co-dependent relationships encounter.
“I know what I need to do, but I’m scared.”
We all desire healthy relationships and tend to blaming our partner for why we don’t have one. The truth is, from our observation time and time again — the problem is a direct reflection of the relationship we have with ourselves, and the biggest obstacle isn’t our partner…
It’s our FEAR.
To heal, we MUST face our fears.
We MUST slay our dragons.
Watching videos, listening to a podcast, or TALKING about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu does NOT make you well versed in the martial art.
By the same token, learning to self regulate, healing our traumas and reconnecting with ourselves can’t be something we only just read or talk about.
We actually have to show up on the mat and DO the work.
When we do, we instantly shift the relationship with ourselves.
The act of investing and showing up is a CLAIM of our worth and deserving rather than have it as a concept.
We move THROUGH the resistance rather than succumb to it, and build self-trust with each step. That’s how self love is built.
That’s how anxiety heals and confidence grows. From saying yes to difficult things.
It can’t be done for us, and we can’t do it alone.
If you’re reading this and you feel a bit uncomfortable, there’s something here for you. The parts of you that don’t feel seen. The parts of you calling you to step up.
The signal that YOU are the only permission you have been waiting for, craving to be seen, and understood. A signal from the part of you that is tired of being invalidated and pushed to the side.
When you face your fear and learn how to soften to those parts, how to acknowledge them, and make them a priority, something magical happens:
You begin to get treated by others the same way you’re treating yourself. Love becomes something you feel worthy of receiving, because you gave yourself the gift of opening up the space to give yourself quality time, affection and words that are empowering.
If you’re finally ready to break this cycle and not only “say” you’re worthy and deserving of a mutual love, but actually ready to take it to the point of ACTING as if it’s true, there’s an invitation for you to open up space and time this weekend to join this community of Cyclebreakers at our Signature Event, “The Overview Experience,” where we will be practicing the fine art of becoming better at loving the ONE PERSON we tend to put last on the list. (Take a wild guess who.)
Unless we do, we will always be looking outside of us for approval, permission, and validation in order to receive, and feel gutted when it never feels like it’s enough.
When: Saturday March 26th 2020 at 12 noon-6 pm PST
If you’ve been hiding your light in fear of losing someone… If you want to but you have been previously stopped by the resistance and fear…. just know it’s exactly how magic happens and the cost of admission to creating a safe and secure relationship with YOURSELF.
Jump in the portal.
You got this.
And you deserve it.
You have permission to shine.
To heal.
To find the truth of who you are.
“Scared” and “Excited” are the same thing, and both are welcome.
Can’t wait to share the freedom on the other side.
I’m curious: Have you ever found yourself avoiding growth, healing and expansion because you were afraid it would mean losing someone? What would you say to this person?
