If You're Still Single, Here’s Why (2 Case Studies)
STOP SCROLLING… And ask yourself this question:
What do you want your ideal relationship to look and feel like?
Take a moment. I’m serious. This could change the game for you.
We ask all our clients to do this in their first assignment and then to let us know what they come up with in their “Mission Statement,” which is a working, evolving document that declares what we wish to be, do, and have in the remainder of our precious time left here on this Spaceship Earth.
They then submit it to me to help them edit to make it congruent and conducive to getting real tangible results.
I’m in love with this process. It makes my heart sing.
CASE STUDY #1
“You completely left out everything about what kind of a relationship you wished to create,” I said to a single client on a zoom call in her first week working with us.
If you’ve ever given yourself permission to envision the type of relationship you would love to have… have you gone as far as thought about who you would have to BE in order to create it?
How about strategically planned out what would you have to DO in order to BE the one to HAVE it?
Even though you might have taken a course or done an exercise where you write the traits of what you’re looking for in a partner, if you’re like most people, you haven’t gone further and actually gone into detail in creating a mission statement to outline what the container would actually FEEL like for BOTH of you.
Everyone struggles with this initial exercise (which is exactly by design). Participants who take on this task get to FEEL the very THING that blocks them (and us all, really) from being active Creators of our life experience, including in relationships. Trauma from past hurts cause us to disconnect from that creative force inherent within all of us.
We then find ourselves in relationships where we are anything BUT active creators — — it’s more like disempowered passengers waiting to be understood, feeling disregarded and drained.
So when we ask our peeps to create a Mission Statement (first draft) and submit it for me to read…. The words that are chosen (and parts that are left out, like in this case study) to describe the desires that are hoping to be created give me subtle cues of WHY the person hasn’t been able to connect meaningfully to what they want in a relationship (and life in general).
I’ll come back to this case study in a moment.
CASE STUDY #2
Another successful single professional woman in her mid 30’s complaining how her relationships with men have been annoyingly transactional emailed me her Mission Statement. Check out what she wrote for her first draft (which I helped her edit) and tell me if you can spot it:
“I am a happy and loving wife who is loved unconditionally and supported by a loving and caring husband….”
When I read that initially, my “Spider Senses” went off and my intuition whispered “I can see why she’s still single and hasn’t been able to create an authentic and meaningful relationship yet even though she’s well over 30.”
Did you catch it? It’s very subtle.
And no, none of it is her fault.
Now, who WOULDN’T desire to be a happy loving husband/wife with a partner who’s unconditionally loving and supportive? Nobody can be made wrong to want that.
But look deeper for a moment.
What experience does an expectation like this create for the guy she happens to be dating in the moment?
Imagine someone was dating YOU, and their mission in life was to find someone to fit into their box of an “unconditionally supportive, loving, and caring” individual, without a thought or
mention of what they wanted to be FOR YOU, or how they felt about YOU personally. There’s no YOU in the equation without filling the other person’s needs.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of feeling like you’re there to fill a need of another person?
It doesn’t create the context for secure, mutual, authentic relationships to thrive.
Without shifting this (mostly unconscious) narrative and aim, we unconsciously set the tone for Insecure relationships riddled with manipulation and co-dependency to run the show.
It never ends up pretty. That fantasy doesn’t actually exist.
And chances are, if you’re like me and most people, your relationships had been set up this way all along, with you asleep at the wheel, without you knowing it.
THIS UNCONSCIOUS SET UP (which is not your fault) is the FIRST of two hidden reasons why relationships can’t work.
Making this small but massive tweak was the first part of the reason of how I went from Insecure relationships all my life (including a divorce) to a Secure relationship. It’s exactly why it’s a part of what we do to guide others who are wanting to create the same. There’s another hidden reason.
Case Study #1 submitted her Mission Statement and was very clear and deliberate about her love of learning and her healing practice as she is a Medical Doctor who’s passionate about helping others heal. What was interesting (and not surprising) is that she wrote absolutely NOTHING about the relationship she desired to create.
Even though she wasn’t aware of why she left it out, this unconscious oversight was the root cause of why she was still single.
Her body knew.
When I said to her “I noticed you didn’t write anything about what kind of a relationship you desire,” she tried to laugh about it and divert the conversation away from intimately sharing her feelings “Ha ha ha, I have no clue if that’s even remotely possible for someone like me, ha ha ha” she said with a smile on her face trying to cover up the pain underneath.
Just like the curiously nosy and bold asshole I can be sometimes, I saw what she was doing — so I kept probing. I asked her a question which was a form of a neural exercise that reconnected her with her body, and in seconds moved her to the painful tears her Ego was trying to duck and hide from — and in that moment we sat with awe, and both with a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, felt-sense understanding of why she wasn’t in a relationship and why the possibility was virtually zilch for her to ever find authentic love up until now.
It was a 6 year old little girl who didn’t feel worthy of receiving what she desired in love. Who abandoned her own needs to take care of others.
She then discovered why she became such an effective Physician in her workplace, but disconnected from love.
Without understanding THIS, we keep hiding behind our success and accomplishments and don’t feel safe unless we sleep alone.
Without getting to the root of THIS, we claim to want love, endlessly seeking and searching, but we unconsciously push love away again and again, even though it might be sitting right under our nose.
Without addressing THIS, we sabotage ourselves and years later look back and wonder how we could have been so blind.
If this post resonates with you, I suggest you throw all caution to the wind and show up. Most of our Traumas come from relationships. That’s why they’re so hard to navigate. We haven’t been taught how to co-create ones that feel nourishing, mature, and mutual.
It’s a skill we might as well invest in learning, as the quality of our lives depend on it.
This isn’t to say that everyone NEEDS a relationship to be happy. It’s simply not the case. You can live a very fulfilling life being single with lots of love around you.
This message is for you if you are single and actually WANT to learn how to create a safe and secure relationship with someone, even if it’s eluded you all your life. It took me 43 years to figure out, and I’m an educated guy. So there’s no shame in NOT having it figured out already if you haven’t had good role models.
If you’re ready to let go of the blame game, to heal what the problem is REALLY about and to find (and heal) the underlying root cause of why you’re still single, join my FREE FB Community.
It’s gonna get spicy.
See you on the other side.
