The Foundation Of Why Relationships Don’t Work
When I learned about the word “enmeshment” everything began to make sense.
Why my relationships never worked out.
Why I had fear and anxiety around so many people.
Why we are so afraid of what people think of us.
Why we have “the disease to please”.
without understanding this fundamental concept,
we endlessly go around searching for love and approval,
living in fantasy world where others can finally “see us”
and “understand us”,
never really getting to the root cause.
Enmeshment is a developmental “small t” trauma
that causes us to have almost no boundary or definition
of our own emotions, values, preferences and identity
OUTSIDE of someone else’s.
This begins in childhood when we are raised with unconscious parents
in cultures where we are conditioned to abandon our own selves
in service of pleasing others.
As a result, we end up in relationships where we can’t have
ourselves AND another person simultaneously.
“I can’t have you AND me at the same time.”
We then feel relationships must come at the cost of ourselves.
Then our insecure attachments run our lives,
and we don’t have relationships, really.
We have Trauma Bonds.
To solve that, we must solve the upstream issue itself:
When you do, you go from being a victim and slave to relationships
to becoming a “safe container” for them to thrive.
It’s not automatic.
It takes work.
It takes a new level of skill to learn.
And nothing in the world is more worthwhile.
I have gone from Enmeshed relationships all my life to
living in a secure attachment for the first time, and I’m in my mid 40’s.
And now parenting my son to not be Enmeshed with us
and to teach our Cyclebreakers how to do the same is my
mission in life.
The skills CAN be learned, but it can’t happen without courage.
See you at the next perfect time.