Wanting Love, But Keeping It At A Distance?

(Confessions of an “Avoidant” Attached)

If you’ve ever had the experience where you
deeply craved connection, but as soon as it happened —
you either got bored or would get freaked out and wanted to run,
fearful you’ll have expectations that will choke away your freedom…..

You.are.not.alone.

In all probability,
your attachment style
would be considered as “Insecure Avoidant”.

And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I say it with the utmost empathy,
because when you’re avoidantly attached,
you end up in the same hurtful patterns so often,
leaving your partner feeling frustrated,
alone, and abandoned….

again and again…

And in their pain,
they will often tell you how horrible you are….

And either you’ll be in denial of this, or
after a while you might think there is something wrong with you.

Shame (“I’m a bad person”) starts to command your operating system.

You then either push the healthy attachments away
(because you feel like you don’t deserve it)

or you overlook them altogether and become attracted to the “safe” ones…

And by “safe” I mean
“Crazy enough that I’m never going to end up with this one…

I will NEVER to commit to this one… I already have an ‘out’ or ‘exit’ plan before we even begin….

YES THIS ONE IS SAFE!! I THINK I’LL PLANT MY ROOTS HERE!”

(Facepalm)

For me it looked like a divorce,
and a string
of the EXACT SAME CO-DEPENDENT PATTERNS for 9 years,
thinking that MAYBE the next one

I will be able to “tolerate” committing to….

Only to be disappointed once again…

And hurting YET ANOTHER person.

Frustrated and deep in shame and guilt,
I decided to nerd out on Poly Vagal and Attachment Theory,
committing to getting this right,

I discovered my attachment style,
and I realized that THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

As it turns out,
my Nervous System was wired to keep me safe,
and as a child,
I had to adapt to the stress of separation trauma
by becoming an “Island,” wanting to isolate,
as feeling emotionally seen and heard
wasn’t available from my care-givers
for a period of time that imprinted deep into my body,
running the show in the background,
choosing people at the same level of wounding I was in.

When I finally made the transitions I needed,
I was finally able to do something that everyone (including me) thought was impossible:

To develop the skills to attract a partner and have a relationship that’s evolving deeper and deeper into security through each.and.every.conflict.

Committed to the journey.

It all began with understanding my Attachment Style.

Your attachment style will explain and normalize your relationship experiences.

But knowing your attachment style without choosing to work on becoming more secure is like knowing you have type 2 diabetes but choosing not to exercise and eat healthy.

People in secure relationships are healthier
and feel more secure in themselves.

The world can be scary sometimes (especially now)
and navigating this with a stable partner feels safer,
so as successful as I was with an unstable and insecure co-dependent relationship…

Right now I feel I can take on the world.
I don’t have to spend all of that time
and mental and psychic energy
on putting out volatile fires and de-escalating arguments.

I can focus my energy on my clients with a full tank.

To be successful in business,
we delegate our weaknesses to others on a team.

In creating secure relationships it’s the opposite:

You can’t delegate your weaknesses —

You.MUST.work.on.them — -

IF you don’t want relationships to be transactional.

With the right guidance,
secure relationships aren’t about luck.

They become a CHOICE.
Without the proper guidance growing up,
I had to invest in my relationships with time,
learning skill sets,
and mind sets that are congruent with what I wanted.

THIS IS HOW THE CYCLE GETS BROKEN.

Lots of self-study, guidance,
and a willingness to practice.

When you do, you go from insecure to secure,
and the quality of people you attract
(and are attracted to) evolve to feel safer and more nourishing,
with a lot less drama.

When you do, you turn your “limbo” and stuckness into
“WE ARE ALL IN” or a beautiful parting of ways
where you separate through love,
and in the case of some of our clients,
able to divorce or separate
with each partner helping one another move out and move on,
with minimal collateral damage to the children.

(Yes that IS possible. We get to help make this happen for people).

If you’ve been finding yourself having the same arguments,
dating the same partner with different haircuts,
Feeling rich in work,
but poor in relationships,

You’re not alone.

I see you.

Now, I’m able to share my journey
with my Avoidant patterned clients,
and help them choose partners POWERFULLY,
as well as helping
the “Anxious” and “Disorganized”
attached clients that are partnered with them,
find their own power and turn their “disease to please”
into setting boundaries and learning how to say yes to themselves for the first time.

It’s not easy.

In order to pull this off, there are 5 TRANSITIONS
we MUST ALL make in order to break the pattern and create secure relationships.

We don’t solve avoidance by avoiding it.

By hoping for the best, but changing nothing,
we constantly swing back and forth
in a push/pull toxic and volatile pattern,
filled with drama,
passing the unconscious patterns down to the next generation (the same way we learned it).

If you’re keen to learn how to break the cycle, Click HERE to register for my upcoming FREE Masterclass Should I Stay or Go?

I’m hosting a 90 minute free Masterclass
where I taught exactly how I broke my cycle
and how others are doing it too.
I want to de-mystify the most important skill on this planet.

The skill that you didn’t learn in school —

but were modelled by what you saw and experienced in childhood that is being repeated underneath your nose without you even being aware of it.

It’s called “SHOULD I STAY OR GO?”

Five powerful transitions needed to get clarity,
confidence, and courage to break repetitive patterns
and create the relationship(s) you want,
without years of counseling or couples’ therapy.

If you are finally ready to solve your relationship riddle,
and stop unconsciously pushing love away,

JUMP IN and get ready to get to work.

(Dominic and I will be waiting)