What We Aren’t Changing We Are Choosing

@em smith asked a question when she asked her fiancée if he loved her.
His response was “sorry but I have bigger fish to fry”.

Her question: “am I Wrong to feel A little Insulted? what would you do?”

I wanted to post my response in case you were finding yourself anxiously attached with someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about you.

What should you do?

You’re not wrong to feel insulted. You’re allowed to feel exactly how you are feeling.

The question you asked is a good one.
It denotes that you are completely disconnected from yourself and are asking a group of strangers online so that you can try on different approaches so that you can find the right course of action towards an outcome.

Most people here on this free Facebook community who haven’t actually done their deep inner work beyond talk therapy will get triggered (as their own experiences will come up with insecure attachments with people who haven’t been loving) and tell you what to do from a REACTIONARY standpoint. The answers with the most exclamation marks that say “RUN!!!” Are trying to be helpful, but you can tell when someone responds on the other side of doing their trauma work.

The truth is you don’t likely know what you want right now because you got into a relationship with this person unconsciously trying to get complete with an unresolved attachment with a parent figure.

It’s almost as if you were asking the same question to your mother or father.
“Do you love me”.

To answer your question:
What would I do?
Great question.

I would first have a come to Jesus moment and decide what it is that I want out of a relationship.

“I want a secure relationship where I don’t have to ask if I’m loved, I want it so that I can feel it and it’s mutual.”

once I decide that,
I would address the very reason why I ended up in a relationship where I was always longing for love…. Why deep down I don’t feel I deserve it and will tolerate being with and pining after someone who doesn’t actually make me a priority.

Then I would discover that it’s not my fault, but it’s because deep down I don’t feel that secure attachment with myself.

What would I do?

I would do the difficult thing and to go ALL IN with finding guidance to invest in myself to reconnect with that love that I never really received and stop trying to get it from the outside.

There’s a choice point here: either choose to keep arguing and negotiating for love….
Or decide you are worthy of finding it for yourself.

That isn’t going to be easy because it’s a familiar pattern.
You’re tolerating it because it’s in your conditioning.

You won’t be able to do it alone.

When you do your healing work, you no longer tolerate being treated in any way less than the way that you’re treating you.

A neat trick is to realize that he’s treating you with the same amount of love you’re treating yourself.

It’s almost like you’ve been telling that wounded little girl inside of you that has felt unloved — through all of her attempts to reach out to you for approval that “you’ve got bigger fish to fry” — in other words “sorry little Em — I’ve got bigger fish to fry — like this dude who doesn’t really give a fuck about me. Instead of putting all my focus on healing what you went through i am going to keep abandoning you in hopes that someone else will save me.”

What would I do?
I would save her myself if I were you.

Make sure you find the right guide and community to help you.
When you get this right you’d never have to ask someone if they love you. You would feel it already for yourself and they would reflect it back to you.

And send me a DM if you want some help with that and you’re serious.
What you’re not changing you’re actually choosing.

(I’m here doing this work so that when Dominic just looks at me — he will never wonder if he is loved. I stand for healed families).

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Dr. Nima Rahmany

Dr. Nima Rahmany is a retired Chiropractor and interpersonal trauma specialist studying and teaching principles of healing mind and body.