You find a partner. You fall in love. You have good enough s€x to want to keep them around.
(not necessarily in that order?)
And then it happens.
An affair. Or some version of infidelity.
I realize that reading this might feel uncomfortable for you.
But if we truly desire having great intimacy and a
nourishing physical relationship with the person who we call our “partner,” or
(or partner(s)– not wanting to exclude poly’s)
then it’s time to have the uncomfortable conversation,
and if talking about this stuff is beyond your capacity then
I invite you to unfollow.
S€x is the natural physical expression of our Life Force Energy.
If we want our families to heal, for relationships to thrive
and for children to be raised in households where the vibe
feels like a sanctuary — then we better start talking about s€x in empowering ways.
Keeping it veiled behind a wall of secrecy, silence, and shame is all too familiar
to most societies and family systems– and as a result, has had devastating consequences:
Families break apart and children suffer collateral damage, passing trauma
(which simply means injury) down to the next generation.
You can feel it. The “Collective” is struggling with our s€xual shadows
(shadows = the hidden parts of ourselves we can’t see or don’t want to admit are there).
At least 2/3 of the people who apply to work with us to
Break their Trauma Bonds and Heal their Co-dependency
so they can create secure relationships–
share that they are still wounded from the impact of betrayal, infidelity,
or they themselves were the ones who cheated and can’t seem to shake the fantasy of it,
riddled with guilt and shame for what they did — or even can’t seem to stop doing.
This is why I’m now going to be talking more about this outside of our community container.
I thought it would be a good idea to crack this wide open and share the top 5 reasons
why we aren’t going to solve the Infidelity Problem anytime soon, unless we do something about it.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy,
national surveys indicate that 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men
have had extramarital affairs.
The incidence is about 20 percent higher
when emotional and s€xual relationships WITHOUT intercourse are included.
I’m willing to bet those numbers are low.
For good reason.
Affairs are intoxicating.
I’ve had them before.
There’s something so captivating and alluring about them.
After hanging out with a good friend Russ (who also
happens to be a Neuroscientist)
over a steak and lobster dinner last night, we made a list of the top 5 reasons we could think of–
based on our personal experience as well as our Science training,
as well as our combined lifelong practice,
clinical experience and study of Emotional Sciences–
on WHY AFFAIRS ARE SO DAMN INTOXICATING–
all for the purpose of helping the Collective (that’s you– you’re welcome) get ahead of it–
and use Neuroscience combined with Spirituality to change our relationships for the better.
Because that’s what we are working on personally.
(Because really– what’s more important than that?)
Here they are, in no apparent order:
Dopamine. HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.
When you’re disconnected from yourself,
feeling a sense of numbness from the monotony of life,
or struggling with low self worth, having an anticipatory
s€xting, getting outside validation is like a drug–
especially when there is resentment from a shared past
with your partner that you haven’t healed from,
and kindness and intimacy that’s missing.
A secure, reliable, steady, predictable home-based
relationship that’s way past the honeymoon phase
is no match for the Dopamine-hit of an affair.
Especially when you haven’t learned how to work with your
body to regulate dopamine properly and create it
intrinsically in your body. This is why many folks feel
powerless in stopping.
The shame, guilt, and danger of getting caught
combined with Anticipation of NOT getting caught and
getting away with it.
(Cortisol plus the Dopamine Reward).
Pretty intense chemical cocktail.
If you grew up in an environment where cultural and
religious boundaries were enforced
with shame and guilt and fire and brimstone,
there is a highly activating energy that ravages the brain
body connection and takes over.
Then when the guilt turns on afterwards,
it often causes a momentary “love-bombing” softness to
the primary relationship,
only reinforcing that “it’s a win for everyone.” —
(at least that’s the story we tell ourselves, isn’t it). Again,
this cycle is HIGHLY addictive,
as it’s difficult for the s€x to be boring when this is
happening in the background.
- Eroticized wounds and Trauma Bonds:
If a child couldn’t trust the parent for love–
if loving a parent wasn’t safe– we’ll seek out that same
in adult life and you’ll look for people to f*ck who are also not entirely safe–
like an emotionally or physically unavailable person.
This is called a “Repetition Compulsion” and an “Eroticized Wound” -
where we are having s€x in the absence of true emotional safety.
This one is tough– because it’s been hard-wired
Takes some DEEP work.
- Unconscious seeking of “Individuation” from Mother/Father:
It’s natural (and cute) that 5 year olds often want to marry
their opposite s€x parent.
If an unconscious parent who wasn’t getting their needs met from their partner
and wasn’t channelling their s€xual energy into their
healthy stable partnership– often covertly uses the child’s vulnerability to get their emotional needs met,
the child takes on an obligatory surrogate romantic
even if there was no overt incest– but especially if there was.
Deep down this “Mamma’s boy/Daddy’s girl” role makes them feel special,
but also confused and angry as their emotional needs are
causing them to feel “trapped” and repeat this pattern and
project them in long term intimate partnerships.
This hostile rage is then taken out on romantic partners
through a shut down of s€xuality
and/or pornography/prostitute addiction or affairs as the
unconscious attempt to reclaim a sense of freedom,
capped off with copious amounts of Dopamine and Cortisol.
Many s€x/porn addictions stem from this dance.
Also common in Love Avoidants.
- Freedom from Abandonment Anxiety
One of the greatest contributors to dysfunctional
relationship dynamics and s€xual blockages
(including er€ctile dysfunction and inability to orgasm in women)
is the stress of abandonment anxiety.
The strength of the primary attachment ebbs and flows–
causing activation of abandonment anxiety–
but with an affair there is often no fear of abandonment
because they know going IN that it’s often just a “fling”.
With no fear of a person leaving, it allows us to be fully present,
engaged, and in the moment–
where conscious connected s€x flourishes.
Completely unfair comparison, isn’t it.
After my first marriage ended in 2011,
unconsciously at the effect of all 5 of these reasons listed above,
I vowed never to get married again.
Monogamy and commitment wasn’t for me.
I didn’t trust myself.
I was afraid I would never be able to have good s€x in a healthy, stable,
secure relationship without wanting to go back to old patterns.
It wasn’t until my last relationship (with a former S€x Worker turned Madam)
ended with such drama and volatility, emotional and
physical abuse that finally woke me up to healing the root cause.
What I’ve learned along the way:
When done in a physically and emotionally safe
conscious, connected s€x is the most beautiful expression
of Intimacy between human beings where it’s in service to
a higher purpose than just using the other person to “get off”.
Where I was objectifying my own penis and using it for s€x,
affairs, pornography, and masturbation as a way to self soothe–
it became used as a pathway to better FEEL–
to connect to myself, my partner, my purpose, and a
higher power– even after having a kid.
I’ve never talked about this before so openly.
Frankly, I wasn’t ready.
I didn’t want to talk about something I didn’t yet really grasp or wasn’t integrated into my Being.
Fate led me on a healing path from my Trauma Bonded relationship realizing
that healing is incomplete unless we examine our stories and
conditioning about our own S€xuality–
the guilt, the shame, and the pain.
I’m not saying I’m Jason Momoa in the bedroom either–
I’m still a work in progress,
but I’m inspired AF to create a container where mature
adults who have had problems with the above– and
commitment– or problems with attracting partners who can’t commit,
who can’t seem to get to the root of their s€x addictions (or p*rnography) –
or those who keep attracting partners with these problems
can– without judgment, speak and share openly, breaking
the secrecy, silence and shame and learn how to transform
these conditioned patterns they inherited
from the collective trauma, and take responsibility for REWIRING a new identity
that is able to “Affair-Proof” their intimate partnerships and break the cycle
from passing down to the next generation.
What it is: It’s a 3 day (full-days) intensive virtual event on zoom March 10–12 in North America where you can save thousands of dollars you’d pay
in travel and hotel expenses and, from the comfort of your home — learn exactly the Neural Exercises and Somatic Embodiment Practices
that allows you heal the narrative of “undeserving”
that comes from unresolved attachment trauma.
Mature audiences only.
Copious use of the word f*ck in a playful manner. Just saying.
(The VIP ticket attendees get to witness a powerful
lunchtime chat with Q and A from Dr. John Demartini on
Friday talk about
“The Neuroscience of Deserving” and Saturday Laser Coaching Session with myself
along with a 25 hour 6-week — go-at-your-own-pace Home Study Course Called
“Intimacy Accelerator” valued at 2k for Free as well as the recording of the entire event)
All of this means you would leave with the tools to walk the path of healing
and breaking the cycle of broken intimacy,
codependency, channelling that leaky s€xual energy into creating something meaningful–
and teaching your children what it feels like to live in a house where they feel safe because the relationship of the parents is strong–
and s€xuality is expressed in healthy ways.
(We’re even Rewiring our Money stories on Day 3!).
If you’re ready to learn how to minimize the chances of Affairs happening in your relationship
and you’re courageous enough to BE one of the 200 people in the conversation,
grab a ticket to Rewire: Trauma, S€x, and Money.
ARE YOU IN?
Click HERE to register.