Why We Keep Choosing The Same Types Of People In relationship
It wasn’t until my 7th breakup (AFTER my divorce in 2011) that it began to dawn on me…
I was repeating the exact same relationship again and again with different people.
Let me know if this resonates….
Things were great in the beginning. It would start off the same:
An attraction to a certain “vibe” they gave off (I couldn’t put my finger on what it was though)
A deep connection that felt familiar (like we’ve known each other all our lives)…
Followed by a HOPE that THIS time was different…
Then, within a few months, I noticed it would happen again.
I would start to feel like I was emotionally responsible for her.
Slowly, I would feel like I had to please and take care of them to feel like I was important and valuable.
Emotionally AND financially.
Soon, I felt the need to escape — run, take space, and that’s when things would start going downhill.
We could never recover, even though we would “try”.
The push-pull dynamics were exhausting,
making me feel like a total failure as I would see others being able to feel satisfied in their relationships….
Wondering… “What the hell was wrong with me?”
“I’m a good person. It must be that I just keep meet the wrong people,” I would think.
Inevitably, it would end with me finding someone else to re-create the whole dance with, once again.
At the time, I didn’t know I was “avoidant” in my attachment style.
I didn’t know that I was unconsciously re-creating a pattern that was deeply embedded in my Nervous System.
A pattern that was set up for me long before I was even born.
I didn’t know at the time that there was nothing wrong with me — I was just involved in an unconscious dance to try to heal
what was incomplete within myself and I was re-living what was only familiar.
I had done so much personal growth work — why had this whole cycle alluded me?
When I finally went deeper than my cognition and examined the CONTEXT of the relationships I was engaged in,
I started feeling whole again. I could look myself in the mirror and actually like who I saw.
This created a shift in the way I felt in my body. I no long showed up hyper vigilantly looking for a woman to complete me.
THIS WAS HUGE.
After all, the needier we are for validation or completion OUTSIDE of us, the easier we become to manipulate and use.
This shift immediately allowed me to see through anything that didn’t feel genuine (I couldn’t see it before) and be drawn to a COMPLETELY different kind of person.
I started noticing (and obeying my inner wisdom for red flags) and be able to walk away if it wasn’t aligned with my new vision.
I no longer was attracted to “wounded birds” I needed to fix.
I found a partner that didn’t NEED “fixing”. Before, that itself would have turned me off, as my auto-pilot default mode was all about finding value and self-validation in my ability to “fix” or “help”.
It blew my mind.
I found someone I would have TOTALLY missed out on had I not done my deeper inner work — and have been able to do the impossible: To actually ENJOY the process of fatherhood. That wasn’t in the cards for me, based on the patterns I was repeating.
See — it’s not that we are ATTRACTING the same type of person.
It’s that we are ATTRACTED TO WHAT’S FAMILIAR.
If you grew up having to work hard for love, and you have an Anxious attachment, when you meet someone who’s secure,
who shows up for you and validates you, there’s a part of you that thinks “jeez they are understanding me and meeting me emotionally… THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.”
or in my case: “There’s nothing to fix with this one — I’m TOTALLY not into this.” LOL.
When I finally released the cause of that, I could appreciate a secure partner like Diana, and I changed a step in the familiar dance.
That’s why it’s so fulfilling for me to teach the Neuroscience and Woo involved to make this magic happen.
If this post resonates with you in any way, (even if you’re in a relationship that’s stuck RIGHT NOW) and you’ve been here lurking around, afraid to take any action to re-create your relationships, I want you to know you CAN learn how to change your own particular familiar “dance”.
If you want to break the cycle (that never even started with you) and create a future where you feel mutually nourished in a relationship…
One where you feel safe, seen, heard, and have deeper intimacy than you thought was possible, join us
Bring a pen, a tissue, and an intention to turn your camera on (as we’re practicing some Neural Exercises which help expand the capacity for Intimacy) in my next Breathwork Session on March 19th, 2022-Saturday (12 noon — 4pm PST).
Also there will be time to answer your most burning questions. You’ll have what you need to take the very next step towards healing this.
Relationships are hard.
That’s mostly because our expectations and reactions are LEARNED and CONDITIONED by our upbringing, and if we want to break the cycle of the environment where we were raised, we are best to master the Art of Autonomic Nervous System regulation, so we are governed by our possibilities rather than our past.
If you’re happy with the way things have been, and the relationships you’ve been having… congrats… Keep up the great work. If you’re ready to choose a new reality, even if you're already in a relationship and are looking to upgrade things where you are, then jump in and join the conversation.
What type of pattern keeps repeating for you?
(Pic of Dominic meeting his first horse on our first family road trip in this summer in Banff)